First Impressions

I have been thinking about first impressions.  Can they be trusted?  Well I hate to say this but my ex-husband... he gave me a horrible first impression and I really should have paid better attention BUT I was meant to be with him because we have our son together, and my son is my angel-baby doll-face. So I will love my ex-husband forever {not in love but love} because he blessed me with the DNA that helped to create the physical body and heart that allowed my son's soul to come to earth and be with me, one of my strongest soul mates.  In the end what I realized is my ex grew on me.  We did not date right away.  He was able to observe me from afar and learned what I "needed" in order to make me fall for him.  The first impression I had of him ended up being my last impression as well. My first impression of him is what eventually lead to me wanting out of the marriage... and that tells me something about my intuition- it can be trusted.

First impressions CAN be trusted as fact.  I think most people are honestly themselves upon meeting. Yes they want to give a good "first impression" but many of us twin souls are very insightful with strong intuition and connection with Spirit.  We see things more clearly than other people, and we can get a good read on people very quickly.  When I met Joron the first impression he gave me was all sweetness and Light. Like I said, he was like an exuberant quivering puppy just vibrating with excitement.  An absolute doll, and I know I can trust that first impression as truth.  I can pretty much trust everything I saw from him when we dated as truth.  He was very genuine and honest.  Up front and upstanding.

After the ending of our first date with that amazing lip-lock {oh how I dream of kissing those sweet lips again} I wondered when I would hear from him again.  Soon?  Or would he play it cooool.

Oh geeze Joron is anything but playing it cool.  He plays nothing.  Joron is Joron, very genuine with his emotions and intention.  He plays by no other rules but his own.  He got home and immediately text me telling me what an amazing time he'd had with me and asked for a second date.  My dear loving sweetie, he could not wait to tag me for a second meeting.  Well his birthday was the next day and I had my son the rest of the week so we met that weekend.  In between we of course talked on the phone, text and emailed, lol.  Always in contact.  We were always communicating, he and I.  It really was lovely.  Absolutely amazing to be with a man who could have me, and was choosing to do so. One who really cared about my feelings and how I think, what I feel.

Some things about Joron.  He is a humanitarian of sorts.  Being a scientist and Atheist he doesn't really like stupid narrow-minded people but he has a very just kind merciful heart.  As he says he is not a "fighter."  More of a lover.  But he is heavily involved in his "movements" such as he is involved with ensuring Creationism is not taught in public schools.  Now I know this seems like an "Atheist" thing but it is not.  It is a HUMAN issue.  Creationism is not "real."  It is based on religion and what we choose to believe.  The earth is obviously not 6000 years old like the bible says.  Dinosaurs and humans did NOT walk together like the Creationists brainwash their own children into believing, child abuse.  One does not need to be an Atheist to desire keeping religion out of public schools. This is something I feel strongly about too.  I do not take my child to a Christian church any longer because he is growing too aware, and I refuse to fill his head with nonsense such as sin and guilt and "Jesus suffered and died for YOU!  For YOUR sins!"  Eegads no.  Hell to the no. And I don't want him learning any of that drivel in public school.  If I want him to learn lies then I will send him to a private religious school, and God knows THAT will never happen.

My son will never ever learn that if you do not accept Jesus Christ as your Savior who died on the cross then you will not be saved.  I think that is the hugest load of stupid bullshit crap EVER.  My soul actually shudders at the thought of my sweet son learning something as ridiculous as... only through Jesus can we know God.  Jesus should be seen as love, unconditional love.  Only through Love can we truly know The Divine.  Salvation has nothing to do with believing in or embracing some "God made flesh" named Jesus- and that is a truth in which I feel very vehement.  I could go on and on but I won't.  I believe Jesus is Love, and I think that Love would be very upset to know in his name people have died for much much less than Love.

So as you can see, my mindset is not that much different than my Atheist love, and yes I'd already felt like this before I met him.  Religion is the bane of all existence.  It corrupts, ruins, brainwashes, and overall fucks up people's minds the world over.  Lennon had it right- no religion.  A strong belief in God but without all the stupid silly inane nonsensical rules and bullshit.  My biggest gripe against religion is... oh where should I start?  It pits people against one another.  It creates division with this whole idea of "My god is better than your god" or "My god is the ONLY god" or all of the rules and sins and guilt and and and... let's blow each other up because of GOD!  My ranting against religion is not what this blog is about BUT Joron and I had these discussions all the time because while I am a believer and he is not that is where our difference ends.  I agree with him on the rest.  I believe in "God" but I think of it as an energy of love, and almost like Physics and spirituality combined.  He does not believe there is an "intelligence" out there but after all of my experiences and guidance I DO believe in an intelligence yet I don't know exactly what it is.  I know it has Joron and I linked, and we have been since we were born and I'd venture to say before that moment.  If you look at how we were born in the same hospital at the same time, that is no coincidence.  It had to have been pre-planned. Who planned it?  Us?  A "Higher" smarter us?  Us on the other side?  I do know that energy, "God," loves Joron just as much as it loves me, or you, or Jesus... even if my love is not a believer.  It just does not matter.  Joron is an amazing man with a wonderful heart.  He is very low ego and high heart; he IS love through and through.

So.  We had these discussions a lot.  On our second date we met again at the same bar but I was feeling antsy.  Anxious almost.  Claustrophobic.  I needed to get outside and off the bar stool; I needed fresh air.  I needed away from alcohol.  So we had a quick drink and I asked to leave and walk again.  As we walked he told me about himself and his life.  He gave me a quick overview of what he'd been doing back in the Midwest.  He'd been married many years before, and it was a short marriage.  After that he met someone out in CA and dated her for many years.  She worked with him and they were on again, off again.  Lived together and were engaged but {and for the sake of privacy I will keep it brief} it ended badly.  He was very hurt and felt he needed to get away so he moved back home.  He'd been back in my area for 18 months, hadn't dated and felt that he would eventually move back to CA when his contract we up where he worked, at a museum.  He'd worked at this museum for a year contract and then planned to go back to CA.  As he explained it to me, when the contract was up something made him want to take another year.  He'd bought a home and was sharing it with his brother, and it seemed right to take another year.  It was half way through that year that he met me, and as he said- he'd had no intention of meeting a romantic partner, especially because he had the intention of moving back to CA.

I do remember now that before we even met face to face he asked me one night on the phone if I would ever consider moving away.  I told him no because my son's dad is here.  But see I didn't consider falling head over heels in love with someone and wanting a new start.  I didn't consider that just because I have a child means I am locked here; other families move around and make it work with mutual respect and trust.  At the time though he was a stranger to me.  I had no idea.  He told me later that he told himself then not to meet me but he felt he HAD to; he was compelled to meet me so he did.  He said he couldn't NOT meet me after talking to me.

As we walked along hand in hand he bared his soul to me telling me how his first wife did him.  He did not speak ill of her.  No name calling.  Nothing bad- just truth.  He was very casual in explaining his heartbreaks yet I could tell these were experiences that had hurt him.  He held my hand while we walked at the park again.  I can remember how he caught my eye and smiled so sweetly.  "That is all in my past now though.  I've had time to heal and I'm over it.  I am ready to love again."  He was SO serious yet cute as he said, "I don't mean to scare you or anything.  I'm just saying that being in love is a wonderful experience and I am ready to be in love again."

Joron is very open with his feelings.  He does not hold back with his expression of love, tenderness and honesty.  He never held back with me while we were together, never.  Heart on his sleeve alllll the way!  The look on his face I will never forget.  Walking along together holding my hand, kind of swinging our hands in between one another while telling me how ready he was to be in love again, and I could tell he meant it.  He was not being pushy or desperate.  He was being honest and open. Already showing me just how much sweetness and light he was.  I remember looking at him thinking, "Is this guy for real?  Like really?"  I doubted Joron from the very start because he was so fucking perfect in every single way.  That perfection scared me.  Why?  Because... I feared it meant heartache would follow on the heels of strong love.  That my heart would be crushed by perfection.  Love scared me.  I craved love.  I'd prayed for my one true love but at the same time a strong willing available love scared the shit out of me because in the back of my mind I knew he could crush me.

Then I had to pee again.  So I again drug him to my home and he chuckled and said he had to go too. After he washed his hands and came out of the bathroom we both just kinda stood in my darkened living room and he looked at me then smiled and kissed me again.  And kissed me.  And kissed me...

And I don't think he stopped kissing me the entire time we dated.  It was only six weeks.  I can't believe we only dated face to face for six weeks.  It literally felt like months, and like he said in the end: it was like six years of love squeezed into six weeks.  Well maybe seven but that was it.  We began talking on the last day of July, 2013.  Then we met face to face August 20th, and then Joron went quiet and everything changed on October 18, 2013, a date I would love to forget.  So we did not have a lot of time together but that is very typical for twin souls, especially now that twins are coming together faster and stronger than ever before.  They are also parting more swiftly too in order to get the process moving as fast as possible.  We fit the twin soul dynamic to a "T."  About six weeks into our relationship and he was on a plane moving 2100 miles away from me... but for those six weeks we were lip locked.

Kissing Joron was like kissing an angel.  Those kisses are divine.  I am not sure if it was like kissing God or kissing myself or what.  Maybe it truly is the same energy in each of us, same soul energy divided evenly between the two of us so that when we came together it was like I was actually meeting myself in another person's body.  I don't quite know.  I just know that when he put his arms around me in my living room and we moved to the couch to slip down next to each other and make out for the next hour or so... I lost my mind.  Literally.  My mind left and my soul took over.  My heart soared.  Oh my God he is the best kisser ever.  Like ever.  We melt together when we kiss, perfectly.  It was like we became one... and it was passionate and sensual but it was also chaste in its own way.  It was not... sexual.  It was divine.  I can't stray from that word.  Kissing Joron felt like I was a teen again.  I did not date as a teen.  No heavy make out sessions for me when I was younger.  Kissing him on my couch made me feel like I was a teen all over again experiencing that first love make out session.  It was so hot and heavy yet innocent.  His hands never strayed.  All above the waist, lol.  Not even a boob graze {and with DDD boobs these puppies are hard to miss!}  As inviting as my curves may be he was Mr. Respectful through and through.  He'd look in my eyes and smile then take his hand and touch my face.  Leaning me more towards him, tilting my head, he'd kiss me... and his kisses were like I was his air, the air he breathed.  Necessary for life.  Oh my word.

Imagining his kisses... is like an earthquake in my heart.  Those memories shake me to my foundation.  This has been the scariest experience of my life, watching the man I love turn into my worst fears.  That terror keeps him very far from me.  I forget the man he is, the man he showed me. I forget Truth, and the truth is he was made for me.  We were made for each other and once we came together it was like coming home.  Sitting and kissing that man was heaven for me and I refuse to apologize for that.  Feeling that in his arms I was finally... where I was meant to be- that is not weak or co-dependent or wrong.  It does not mean I feel that I am not whole without him.  What it means is that with Joron I found love, that love that makes a heart soar.  A love that can move mountains and make a person even more of what she already is.  In him I found perfection.  Absolute utter perfection.  Sweetness, Light.  Honesty.  Genuine grace and goodness.  In his arms I felt more home than I have ever been except for when my son is snuggled with me.  Joron is me.  We came together like two strong magnets that had been seeking each other for a very long time.

His hands.  *sigh*  His hands are long and somewhat slim and very tender and almost graceful.  I'd suspect they would be with the work he does, testing rocks all day.  A scientist's hands, Geologist. Deft and gentle.  I can still feel how he'd reach out and oh so softly place his hand on my cheek and guide my face towards him with a little smile- always a smile as he kissed me, like he was so happy to be there with me, kissing me.  Always kissing me.  I talk a lot about our kisses.  I dream about our kisses, and I ache for our kisses because those kisses were heaven.  Honest to God when I die and move on- heaven will be me kissing Joron for eternity.  I want nothing more than to embrace his energy again and be one with him, merge and meld and kiss forever.  It does not even have to be sex. If I could never have sex with Joron again but I could just hold him, kiss him and talk to him- be in his presence and enjoy the essence that is HIM- I'd be ecstatic.  Some would read this and say I am obsessed or... whatever they will.  But everything I've ever wanted is in him.  We sat on my couch that second night and kissed and kissed.  Giggled and kissed oh so softly, ever so gently.  I can't really explain any more just how wonderful he is.  He was always willing to come visit me just for those kisses, just to be close to me.  I didn't have to do anything or give him more or be anyone other than who I am: just me.  He loved being with just me, holding me and kissing me.

It was blissful, heaven on earth.  And it scared me in it's perfection.

So at the end of that night, a night where he bopped along with me telling me how ready he was to love again, to be in love again and have a relationship, telling me he is a "relationship" type of guy and definitely not a "fling" man but instead wanting a strong monogamous relationship... a night where we ended up sitting in the comfort of my house kissing like our souls had waited forty years to do so I came back home after our date somewhat flabbergasted.  I wasn't sure what was happening. He seemed perfect.  So fucking adorable.  Joron is so little and cute and amazing and charming that you want to scoop him up and put him in your pocket and just keep him there forever, close to the heart.  I got home and took out my angel cards.  These cards are deeply introspective.  Very spiritual in nature.  I shuffled and asked God to please tell me what this man is to me, what is his purpose in my life because he surely did NOT feel like an accident.  As we were walking along I kept thinking, "It feels like I am walking with myself, like I am walking with me."  He felt so comfortable, like I knew him yet I knew we'd never met before.

I shuffled well and pulled one card, a card I'd never pulled before.  Now, so you understand, the man I loved before Joron, I could pull the "Freedom" card over and over and over at that time.  Once I pulled "Faith, Freedom, Freedom, Faith, Freedom, Faith."  No lie.  This time I slipped the card out and the front of it had a beautiful angel holding a bow- and I knew it was Eros, or Cupid.  "Partnership" is the card, and it is all about soul mate love.  A very strong life-changing soul mate love.  Like a one and only true love soul mate love.  And so funny but at the very end it states to be watchful because often that one and only true love soul mate comes packaged in ways we would never expect, very different than what we imagine.  And that is SO Joron!  Slight, an Atheist, a scientist... very far from some burly goatee boot-wearing cowboy... and I couldn't have loved him more for it.  I was already falling in love with him and it was only our second date, and my cards never lie.

My heart was elated yet I felt a sense of... fear.  And I will tell you why.  Because fear has controlled my life for far too long.  I love my parents but I was raised in fear, steeped in it.  Fear had played a major role in my life and I am still to this day working through it.  And when I met Joron he was so utterly perfect that I had mixed emotions.  I am embarrassed to say I had a small irrational fear that he was a test from the divine to see if I would stay faithful in my love for God.  I wondered in "the darkness" had sent me an Atheist to test my loyalty to the lord- like maybe he was SO tempting and perfect because I was supposed to RESIST his love.  Like maybe I was failing in falling for him, failing the test from above or falling into the clutches of evil for falling in love with a non-believer.

Yes I said it was irrational.  I totally fell for him, and hard, but there was an underlying worry.  This sense of "when is the other shoe going to drop" but I tried to push it away because he was just so amazing.  I'd never met a man like him before.  Joron is so mind-expanding.  He'd share all of these science links with me, like these "Symphony of Science" videos... and these make me think of Joron so much, just so much.  We ARE all connected and I was shown this through Joron.  Nothing in our relationship, our "partnership," was left up to accident.  It was all balanced perfectly with the help of Spirit.  Higher Self maybe.  I don't know for sure but I know that when he sent me a photo of the galaxy and told me that I am made of the same stuff as the stars that he is correct, and I was meant to meet him.  I adore him.  I adore the galaxy.  Yes it is exhilarating to imagine all that is out there in its vast never-endingness.  Joron told me that he is spiritual in his own way, and he meant it.  His soul is HUGE and strong and good, just like his wonderful heart.  "We are a way for the cosmos to know itself" and that is no different than saying "We are a way for GOD to know itself."  No difference.

There was no difference between us; we are so much the same.  And I miss my love more than I can express here or even want to.  I love him.  Plain and simple.  No matter the mirroring.  No matter anything that has happened between us I adore every hair on his body and I know we do have some strangely beautiful multi-dimensional soul connection.  I may now know exactly what it is {twin soul, twin flame, etc.} but I do know that he feels me.  And I know he loves me.  I know that I have learned things about myself that I was unable to ignore any longer, even if it hurts.

Joron loves Richard Dawkins.  He's a brilliant evolutionary biologist and strong Atheist.  James also loved Carl Sagan who is... amazing.  A very soft-hearted man and scientist.  Once Joron wrote to me and told me, "You asked me why I am so nice..." and he told me it was because his life was shaped by these scientists like Carl Sagan.  I remember sitting here one night while we dated watching these movies and sharing them with my son.  Ever cell in my body celebrated knowing a man so brilliant yet sweet.  So real yet stimulating and intelligent- one who actually liked me.  One who did not ridicule me or feel threatened by my own brilliant mind.  One who could choose me and was deciding to do so.  Sitting here feeling him in these words, in this science.  In the amazingness of all that is.  He was enamored with the universe in the same way as I love God.  He just felt it in a different way than I do, and there is nothing wrong with that.  He told me that a spiritual experience for him was when he saw the huge atom smasher or looking through a high-power telescope... those are his spiritual expereinces and I don't fault him for those or think they are any less significant than my own.

He is an amazing human being.  I really honestly miss my love from the depths of my soul.  I am willing to do anything it takes to bring us back together again, even if it means facing my fears as best I can.  I can only do what I feel is my best but sitting back doing nothing, falling into ego and letting fear ruin me, isn't going to cut it.  I owe it to this sweet adorable man who has been my helped to dig down deep into my heart and FEEL him again, know his truth.  And Truth is he fell for me too, immediately.  He recognized that goodness and love in me just like I did him.  His heart told him "She's the one!" and he loved me upon meeting me too.  We loved each other hard and pure and good, totally right.  And the only reason why we are separated is, like he said, due to "circumstances."  It's not due to a lack of love.  We love each other.  And love like ours is not meant to stay apart forever.  I understand we are together in Spirit but still we want to be together, all of us.  We are like two high-power magnets being held apart from each other, and the pull is painful.  All we want is to be back together.

I pray to my God, my guides, my angels and my Higher Self to please PLEASE help me work through my blocks and fears in order to knock my walls down and let the light in.  Jesus... you know my heart and it is a good heart.  I am pure and good and loving to my core, and I am so tired of fear. I know he did not choose any of this with his willful intention and yes he is a good dear man just like I am a good woman.  Our love for each other was only pure goodness and light.  The fear was not my fault but a by-product of my past that needs to be cleared now.  But please help me release all of that old stuff to surrender and make way for the new stuff.  I miss my love and wish to have him back in my life.  Please.  Please help me.  Help me stay open to Truth and protect me from all anxiety, fear and suffering.  No more pain.  I pray for the day, on my knees pray, for the day when my twin soul love friend dear makes his way back to me.  I love him so much and yes I do know that he loves me. He always did, way more than I ever realized.  He was made for me.  My love.  Please help us to come back together and I know this means I have to do my part so please help push me and release me of fear so I can shift the energy around from fear to love.  I truly do believe my Quest is one of Truth and Love.  Holding on to Truth which means to hold on to love.  Love for myself, God and for my twin soul Joron.  I am a good person and I have healed many external issues such as the drinking, smoking and wanting to date around to distract.  I feel very pure and cleansed... but I need emotional purity as well.  No fear, no ego, no resentment or anger.  No pain although I do wish to talk to my love one day.  I miss communicating with him, sharing with him.  Just please know I love you my dear.  I know what you have helped do for me in cleaning me out, and I think of you nearly every moment of every day.  I do want you happy and I know you want to be happy WITH me so I will try to make it so we can be back together.  I don't want you alone- you are made for love.  I really want to be that love with you.  Kisses every morning, lovemaking every night.  Kisses.  Always the kisses.

Yes I do know my blessings.  My son, my amazing friends: Bev, Sheryl, Kim, Tracy, Shannon, Lori, Jen plus others I forget to list.  I have good friends that soul has brought to me in order to keep me sane and support me in love.  My family is healthy.  I am sad that we lost uncle Nick but please take care of him God.  I know you will.  We did pray for him but it must have been his time.  Thank him for being so good to me as a child.  I remember his bright jolly smile and soft warm chuckle.  Good man.  I have this home that houses me and my child,  My son loves this house.  It is the main home he's known and to him it is safe and warm and loving, like his mommy.  I am thankful that my parents are both healthy and whole and married in love.  I have my kitties who keep me company.  I have a job that provides me the assistance I need to make a life.  I have a strong connection to the divine and experience a world most people do not, and that is something I tend to overlook very often.  I know, kind of, what life behind the veil is like.  Not many people know God, or something we call God, really exists but shit I do.  I've had enough contact to know something is out there, something much bigger than us so when we die we will move on.  I am not afraid of death because I know after I die I will live on beyond this body.  But speaking of this body... I am thankful for the person I am.  I like my face, lol.  I like myself.  I am glad to be me.  Thank you.

I do love my Beloved.  I can't wait to look into his beautiful eyes again, and I can't wait to hear his amazingly sweet loving voice again.  I do adore my twin soul.  So much.  I know that I will connect with him in love and tenderness again one day, in this lifetime because we are meant to be together and we will be.  We will one day be married.  I know it is my destiny to be with him, share a life and love with him, have a family together.  Love together, and oh what a love it will be.

Yes my love- I want to love you every night.  Kisses.

XXOO

Sweet Reunion

Sweet Reunion Kenny Loggins

As I created the other blog, Silence is Golden, I did it more to share my experience after my love separated from me.  It was so surreal and I wanted people who might be going through the same thing to find it and feel comforted.  I am a good writer so it helped me feel like I was doing something worthwhile with the experience.  For that reason I kind of glossed over the love we shared in person; our "romance" was not the key reason I created the blog.  But- our love was intense, magical, pure, real and overwhelming and I want to talk about it now.

I miss it.  This is why I sometimes find it so hard to write about it.  Bringing it so close over and over can hurt only because he's not physically here with me but I think it's what I am supposed to be doing so I am :)  I didn't spend much time explaining just how wonderful our relationship was so I'd like to do that now.  Our love is one that needs to be shared, our Love Story.  A true romance.

My dear sweet Joron.  I really looked forward to meeting him face to face.  I was SO excited, and normally I dreaded going out on dates.  With him though I just knew it was going to be awesome.  I don't think I ever looked more forward to a first date in my life.  It could not get here soon enough.  On my birthday my sister took me out for Chinese buffet for lunch.  I got two fortune cookies that day.  One said, "You have a magnetic polarity but be aware of your polarity."  The other said, "You are important enough to ask and blessed enough to receive."

Well everyone wants good gifts on their birthday, right?  Well I got mine.  He walked right up to me in the parking lot of the bar where we met.  I wore jeans and a black top and some black sandals with heels and I left my hair down.  Before I walked out the door I added a bit more lip gloss and asked my guidance one question.

"Tell me again why I am meet him?"  I just KNEW it felt big.  Not average or run-of-the-mill.  I had a feeling something special was about to happen, and I'd been told that forty was going to be amazing!  Get this- I'd been told forty was going to be a real "roller coaster ride" but Spirit was not more specific than that, *sigh.*  I had no idea.  LOL.  Just no idea.

My guidance said the following to me:  "Walls will fall.  Hearts will melt.  This one is a gem,  Cherish him.  Nemesis."  Yes- that last word there, nemesis, was definitely said to me and I remember being a little thrown by that word but I just shrugged and off I want.  I was more than ready to meet this wonderful interesting little sweetheart.  All of our disussions were explosively exciting and engaging so I know we were going to have a good date.  I felt we'd really hit it off.

"Halo" is playing right now but it's the version by Lotte Kestner.  It's beautiful.   My angel. "I can see your halo.  Hit me like a ray of sun even through my darkest night.  You are the only one I want.  I am addicted to your light."  The bar where we met is right around the corner from my house.  I remember looking at the time and thinking... is it too early?  I made myself wait so I wasn't too early, lol.  I pulled into the parking lot and saw a small black two-door car in the lot and wondered if it could possibly be him.  There were not many people there because it was only about 7PM and it was a weeknight.  As I got out of my car and turned he started walking towards me from the little black car and all I could think was... He. Is. Perfect.

Small, lol.  Bouncy.  HUGE FUCKING BRILLIANT SMILE.  Like huge smile on his glowing happy face.  Confidence just exudes from his every pore.  His eyes are glittering blue, like jewels. He has this mirthful look, youthful.  Carefree.  He bounded up to me like a little puppy and hugged me then pulled back to say, "You are just as beautiful as I knew you'd be."

Well I was pretty well taken aback.  He was adorable, smelled amazing, and his hug was like a million angels were singing to me all at once.  I was stunned.  We went inside and I remember he was talking about music as we slipped onto our bar stools and this first thing he said to me immediately threw me for a loop.  The song "Closer" by NIN was playing, and we all know that is the "I wanna fuck you like an animal song."  Well here is a secret- I think it is like the sexiest song ever and have always secretly fantasized about having really hot intimate close naughty sex with a man to that song. Joron turned to look at me and said, "Yeah some songs have really meaningful lyrics..." and then slickly he added, "Like this one" as he took a quick swig of his beer and kind of gave me this little majorly sexy sideways glance.

I just remember how I was a bit shocked that he said it, and I was surprised because it was almost like he looked inside me and saw how I felt about that totally sexy song.  Doesn't the beat alone just totally feel like fucking?  You know it does, lol.  Loving but still fucking- like deep intimate close hard hard hardcore fucking, and with that one little sneaky glance it was like he was saying, "I know what you think about this song."  It was just really weird.

Then he looked at me and said again, "I SWEAR I know you from somewhere!  It's uncanny!"  He began to ask me about all these places people in our youth used to go to, bars and such, but I never went to any of them.  I know I'd never met him before except when we were born, lol.  But like him with me, he does look familiar to me.  He looks like every boy I should have ever dated.  He looks like the boyfriend I never had but always dreamed about.  He looked like... my destiny.

"Nice t-shirt" I said as I laughed.  He wore jeans and a black t-shirt with the huge red A on it for "Atheist" and it cracked me up, his balls of brass in wearing his Atheist t-shirt after I'd cancelled our first date based on his Atheism.  Didn't phase me though, lol.  I was too enamored with him to even notice.  The black on him looked really good.  He is so handsome.  Light brown hair that he keeps cut close but the very front is a bit longer and he spikes it up.  There is a bit of grey at his temples, and he is very clean shaved with a dimple in his chin.  To me he is perfection.  High cheekbones and thee is something about his face that I can't really explain.  It is unique, the shape of his eyes.  The slant of his nose,  His high cheekbones.  Made me melt, and his voice in person is even better than on the phone.  Just talking to him made me swoon but being in his presence made my knees weak.

Total energetic connection.

Then he asked me if I smoke.  I told him no... which was a half-fib.  I'd smoked in the past and would sometimes smoke socially but I did not consider myself as a smoker.  He said he was glad because smoking was kind of a deal-breaker for him.  I joked that maybe that was something he should have asked me earlier but I said no, I don't smoke,

He looked adorable sitting there next to me and I felt so happy.  I enjoyed his big bright smile; I could tell he was happy too.  Excited to be meeting me.  We sat at the bar and drank a beer and talked and I was not nervous.  He made me feel very comfy, sweet and warm and so so funny.  There is something about Joron that makes his energy fun.  Everything is "jovial" coming from him.

Joron made me laugh.  *sniff*  He made me laugh, and not too many people can do that.  Not many at all.  With him I felt giddy and excited and turned on and... pretty.  I knew my cheeks were flushed and I kept laughing and I thought OMG what is happening?  He's too right.  I can't believe I am meeting him.  And on my birthday.  My gift,

And I had to pee so I slipped off my stool and hoped I would not trip or something headed to the john.  I text my girlfriend and told her he was perfection.  And I did feel him watching me walk, and now he tells me with total frankness that he watched me walk to the bathroom and he was admiring what he calls my perfect ass.  Now I have never been too impressed with my behind.  My booty is not all that but for some reason Joron acts like he wants to get on his knees and worship my heiny.  It is so not something I can even begin to understand but ole' boy is like in love with my butt.  And he noticed it right away, lol.  He says he thought I was perfection and he was checking me out every step of the way just marveling at my beauty.  *sigh*

After I sat down he finished his beer and said, "How about we go for a walk and take a look at your birthday blue moon?"  We walked out into an absolutely gorgeous August evening.  It was already dark outside and the sky was nice and clear, the moon full and gorgeous... and it felt miraculous.  And it only got better because as we walked down the sidewalk in my neighborhood he looked at me with that adorable smile and asked me, "Would it be okay if I held your hand?"  I nodded and he took my hand and I about melted.  Oh. My. God.  His hands are just the right size.  He's not a big man. Walking next to him he is not much taller or bigger than me, and as I said before I normally am attracted to big hulking men but Joron is slight.  Taut and sexy as Hell but small.  We fit well as we walked.  He kept looking at me and smiling with a very satisfied look on his face, and he kept rubbing his thumb against the palm of my hand, the sensation sending electrical pulses to between my thighs like his thumb was caressing other more sensitive areas than just my palm, lol.  Our fingers entwined and hands palm to palm felt like heaven.  I don't think I've ever held hands with a man before where it felt totally electric but it totally did with him,

Here is something I need to explain.  My ex-husband would not hold my hand.  It annoyed him and that made me sad.  I really always dreamed of a man who wanted to hold my hand.  And then THIS perfectly sweet man asked to hold my hand on our very first date.  It made my brain spin. Something felt... magical.  Very perfect.

Here is another thing I want to explain- our attraction was deep was it was not solely physical, not based on "sexual" attraction.  It was this deep full aching attraction on all levels, especially mental and spiritual.  I thought Joron was adorable when I met him but he was not what I was used to as far as men are concerned.  He was very opposite what I normally find physically base attractive in a man.  Normally I find this attractive: scruffy, big, shaggy hair...

Joron is small.  He is all like "cute scientist" from "Big Bang Theory."  Totally compulsively clean shaven and he keeps his hair cut very close.  He's deft and tight and cute but he's no hulking Scotsman.  What I am trying to say is he stimulated me in a much different way than most men did before him.  It was not just this strong animal attraction although I thought he was super adorable.  

As we walked along he started telling me all kinds of scientific facts about the earth and the sky and I was just enthralled with him.  The universe is 14.5 billion years old and the earth is 4.5 billion years old.  He glanced at me and said, "So what do you weigh, about 110 lbs?"  LOL- he was going to tell me how much I'd weigh on the moon but I laughed and told him to add at least twenty more pounds and he said. "Get the fuck outta here."  But he explained how and why we'd weigh on the moon what we would if we ended up there; I could tell this was something to which he'd given some thought, lol.  We talked about the first lunar landing.  We gazed at the sky while holding hands and ended up at the park across the street from my house, the same park my son and I go to all the time.  While swinging on the swings feeling the coolish night air flowing through my hair as we swung in tandem I could only cheesily grin.

It was The. Perfect. Moment.  Okay?  Perfect.  Magical and undeniably perfect.  God works in mysterious ways and The Divine ensured I'd remember my fortieth birthday forever.  While looking up at the sky and swinging together Joron shocked me by saying, "I believe in nemesis."

Whaaaaaaat?  Nemesis?

Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is not a coincidence.  My guidance had told me right before the date the word "nemesis."  And then on our first date he said it, "I believe in nemesis."  So I asked him to repeat himself and he said, "I believe in nemesis.  It's a hypothetical binary {twin} star to the sun that some scientists say lead to the asteroids that could have made dinosaurs extinct."  I'm not quoting his science quite as eloquently as he did but that's what he told me.

"I believe in nemesis."

Hm.  I'll explain this later, and I've discussed it on my other blog, but I know that was a very important clue as to what was ahead in our relationship although neither one of us knew it.  He sat on the swing and had a "thought."  He thought about the hypothetical binary star "Nemesis" and since we'd been talking sky-science he thought he'd share. Actually what happened is he is psychic and Spirit wanted him to say that word to me to grab my attention so he did, and he "heard" it as a simple thought about this star, Nemesis.  Oh it grabbed my attention alright but I didn't know what to do with it so I filed it away for later.  What I think now is that "nemesis" has played a big role in my entire journey.  Nemesis is, if I am correct about this, my largest ego-based fear that has the potential to derail my soul journey if I allow it to.  I don't know exactly what my soul journey is but right now it clearly has something to do with overcoming some roadblocks and reuniting with Joron.  And I think nemesis, for me, is probably fear, primarily doubt which is just an offshoot of fear.

Nemesis.  Hm.  Funny that he said it to me.   Like I was the one who was supposed to hear it.  He had no idea, not then, of the impact {ha- that's funny concerning the binary star is said to cause comets to hit the earth} it had on me.  That word was meant for ME.

Anyway.  We moved from the swings and sat on a park bench, holding hands and getting closer.  It was so lovely to sit there with him with the full moon shining overhead.  I could see him looking at me, easing into me, and I'll assume his body language probably said, "I want to kiss you now" but all I could think was, "Oh my do I have to pee!!!"  The beer I'd had at the bar was hitting me and there was no way I was going to make it back to the bar.  I was sitting there contemplating- do I ask him to go to my house?  I'm about ready to pee my pants.  So probably right as he was leaning in to lay one on me I blurted out, "I have to pee so bad!"  I explained that my house was across the street and while I knew it was a little odd I didn't think I could make it back to the bar.  My son must have been with either his dad or his grandparents because I remember I was by myself that evening, kid-free.  He's since told me that he was totally gunning for a kiss right then but right when he was going to lean in and lay one of me I did tell him I had to pee, lol.  I find that humorous because he also explain he'd been dying to see what kissing me would be like.  A KISS says SO much.  A kiss is "make it or break it."  A kiss can seal the deal or break it.  He was totally hoping we had as much chemistry physically in a kiss as we seemed to intellectually, personally, physical attraction, etc. so he was anxious to kiss me and find out but I made him wait just a wee bit longer to find out.

Quickly we headed to my house and I let us in.  He sat on the couch in my dining room {the main room from my front door} to wait for me, and when I walked out of the bathroom I noticed very specifically his body language.  My dining room was dark with only the light of the moon flowing in. He popped up from the couch and kept his hands to himself.  It was as if he was showing me that he was not going to try any moves on me here in my house on our first date.  For some reason I can see him in my mind's eye standing there a bit awkwardly like, "Okay what do we do now?"  He stepped towards the door and I said, "Okay we can go,"  And we went back outside to continue to walk and then it was getting late so we headed back to our cars which were parked at the bar.

As we walked and I knew the date would be ending soon and I wondered if he would kiss me.  I sneaked a few glances at him as we walked hand in hand.  The silver at his temples totally glittered in the moonlight.  His walk is cute, kind of funny.  He has a peculiar jaunty little gait.  Jovial, lol.  Cute- like him. Everything about this dude is just adorable and endearing.  He makes me wanna scoop him up and carry him with me forever.  I wondered if he'd do that dood thing and make me wait a couple days before contacting me, kinda let me sweat it out.  Guys seem to like to do that.  Somehow I did not think Joron would do that.  We got to our cars and while standing by my door I readied myself to thank him for the absoutely wonderful date, and to thank him for making my birthday so special but before I could he quickly leaned in and, totally taking me off guard, took my face in his hands and kissed me with the full intensity of someone who is thinking, "I've wanted to kiss you since the day we were born."

Oh. Fuck. Me.  Seriously... he owned me with that kiss.  It is that kiss alone that tells me I will never love another besides him, and I don't care how crazy that may sound to other people.  It does not mean I am desperate or co-dependent or... that I can't move on.  It means I fell in love with Joron that night.  His lips met mine, not aggressively but totally intense.  His tongue slipped past my lips as if to say, "Oh yeah I am SO going there" and he french kissed me with this... gah... energy that made me temporarily lose my mind.  Unapologetically.  It was the most sensually sweet sexy overwhelming mind-numbing, heart-melting, knees-weakening kiss I've ever experienced, and I am lucky because I had good kisses with all my soul mates.  But this kiss from Joron, while brief, was out-of-this-fucking-world.  His lips on mine and his tongue quickly exploring my own made me wet in under ten seconds flat.  The kiss broke after a few moments and when we pulled back to look at each other I said, "Oh my God" and I leaned in for another one.  I did.  I could have stood there kissing that insanely so not what I would normally find attractive adorable man for the rest of the night, or for the rest of my LIFE.

Perfection.  Magical.  Soul.  It was like our souls were celebrating in those kisses.  It was... our Sweet Reunion.  Our souls, I honestly do believe, had waited forty long years for this moment.  For us to reunite after coming into the world together when we were born, forty years earlier.  And out what a sweet reunion it was!

Then we pulled away again and giggled and said goodbye although I could have stood there kissing him for eternity.   I got in my car, totally awash with joy, elation, new love and already I didn't really want to see him leave.  "Parting is such sweet sorrow."  I had to pinch myself to see if I was dreaming.  I watched him get into his little black car and drive away, waving and my heart just soared.

I totally fell in love with him that night, and I love him still, and there is nothing- nothing- that could ever make me stop loving him.  He is my Gift.  Totally my gift.  Best kisser ever, sweetheart galore.

It's a little rough when others can't understand the depth of love one person may have for another. People get married and if a spouse passes they often can't move on.  Some never do.  Remember Jack and Rose from "Titanic."  "I'll never let go.  I'll never let go."

I think I experienced that love with Joron.  That "I'll never let go" love.  A love that is irreplaceable in it's exquisiteness and perfection, where no one else will do.  But him.

I love you my sweetheart.  

Silly Fear

Oh GOD I am at a coffee shop while I write this so I can't let go and totally bawl and snot all over the place but I'm sure that is going to change once I get home and continue writing.

When we first started writing and getting to know each other he told me, "This Atheist donates his time at church soup kitchens and helps out at animal shelters."  He told me he didn't need to fear a "God" in order to be a good person.  He just loved to love.

That is my Joron.  And the above explains him perfectly.  His Atheism is a major major turn on for me.  His passion for what he stands for makes me want to throw him down, strip him naked and make love to every inch of his adorably taut little sexy delicious sweet body.

I am so on the verge of running and I have to keep reminding myself of this sweet man I fell in love with.  I am scared of the silence because I miss Joron very much.  More than those who don't understand what a twin soul union is like can imagine.  It is a pain that is inexplicable.  They kinda feel dead but you know they are still alive.  There was no ending so it's this limbo state where I pray and try to have faith.  Trusting is not always easy but I am moving forward.

I love Joron's Atheism.  Seriously.  I am a huge proponent of Atheism now... but it took me getting to know one and falling in love with him and experiencing all of his love and kindness before I was able to appreciate what seemed like such a big difference between us that was actually no big deal.  It's ironic because now his Atheism means nothing to me except that it's something he is very passionate about so I support him.  But there is no judgment.  All I want is my Love back.  He is not labeled anything specific in my heart besides "My Love."  And I'd give close to anything to hear from him again.  So insignificant a "difference" becomes when the love of your life disappears.  Not much matters then besides "I love you."  And isn't that how it should be to begin with?  Diversity is important and so is respecting the beliefs of others, or respecting the right to not believe.

Back then though something strange happened.  We started really getting to know each other.  He wrote that he could not wait to kiss me, that he knew it would be so soft and wonderful and perfect, and I didn't mind him saying it.  I wanted to kiss him.  I was half in love with him and I hadn't even met him.  But then fear began to creep in.  His Atheist tussled me because I considered myself to have a close relationship with God and I wanted to keep my life on the straight and narrow.  I'd already been through a LOT in order to strip me of my fears surrounding spirituality and religion... but now Atheism was being thrown in the mix too?  What was I to think?

I told him I was very loving, and assured him I WOULD NOT JUDGE HIM.  I told him I try to practice unconditional love.  While on the phone he chuckled and sighed and told me that most women judged him for his Atheism so he found it very hard to date or connect with woman.  He said he'd go on a date and when the subject of religion came up and he told them he was an Atheist they would want to bolt.  And he said he actually did not click well with Atheist women either so he was... shit out of luck in most cases when meeting women.  "I'm so lucky to have found you and I can't wait to meet you" is what he said.

Is what he said.  My dear sweet love.

I began to backslide a bit back to this idea of God "testing" us.  Testing our faithfulness.  I wondered if having Joron come into my life was a test, and was I failing?  Would I be turning my back on God, turning to... evil tendencies?  Would I be renouncing God if I met an Atheist?  These fears began eating at me and now I get to explain to you how Spirit works with me when I begin fearing.  Joron and I had planned to meet the following week, and he was SO excited to meet me!  I was looking forward to it too and normally I HATED going on dates.  They all left me feeling flat and I was just so done dating.  Until I met Joron of course.  On Sunday before our date I took my son to church at our old Christian church.  While there I saw a guy about my age there with his two daughters.  They were little girls and he was holding their hands and singing together so passionately with them, glorifying God.  I'd always asked my ex-husband to please go to church with us just to be a family but he always told me no.  So seeing this man with his kids really struck me and I thought, "Nope!  I am not supposed to meet an Atheist!  God wants me with a nice Christian man, like this guy.  Someone who can go to church with me."

I FREAKED out and let fear take over.  I bolted home and in a fit of anxiety, totally awash with fear, I text Joron and told him I could NOT meet him.  Now remember I'd assured him I love unconditionally and didn't mind his Atheism but in this moment of fear I wrote to him and told him that God wanted me with a Christian so I could not meet him.

And I did not hear a word back from him.  I felt this really stupid sense of weenie-relief come over me like "Okay now I'm safe.  The Big Bad Atheist can't introduce me to the devil now and God is happy!"

What an asshat, right?

Interesting though.  Over the course of the next week I unexpectedly heard from my last soul mate. He reached out to me when I did not expect to hear from him again.  We'd had a very bad last meeting together some time earlier in the summer so we had no closure.  Without really meaning to or planning it I ended up seeing him again and saying goodbye, and I meant it.  I needed him out of my life now, completely.  But I think it was healthy for us to be able to kiss and hug one last time after knowing each other for over a year and being so close, important in each others lives.  There had been a lot of love between us and our ending felt right.

A week went by and I felt... odd.  Empty.  Sad.  Missing something.  After spending a couple weeks talking with Joron non-stop NOT hearing from him was saddening to me.  So one night I chanced picking up my phone and texting him.  I told him I was SO sorry for being an asshole, that I just freaked out for a moment but I really didn't mean what I said- it was old conditioning coming up to bite me in the ass.  And that alone is a comment about the dangers of religious conditioning.  I do not agree with religion, and my reaction to him is a clear sign of how we can be taught through religion to fear that which is different than us.

He actually text me back.  "Who is this?" he wrote.  "I know this can't be my friend because she's not allowed to talk to Atheists."

BAM.  Rose-0 Joron-1.  Again I apologized and asked if he'd forgive me.  He said of course he would and he said he'd been very disappointed when I bolted for two reasons.  One was that I'd assured him I was different than the rest, that I was open-minded and non-judgemental and I would accept him no matter what... but then I went ahead and labeled him as "wrong" like so many others do just because he is an Atheist.  *UGH*  And he said he was also disappointed because he'd been really looking forward to meeting me so he was bummed when I cancelled on him.

Well the following week was my birthday and everything happens for a reason,  Me saying that to him, blowing him off, showed me how shitty it feels to judge another person. It really thrust in my face that it's unfair and hypocritical to not be unconditional towards everyone.  It showed me that I already missed him and I'd never even met him.  I'd come to love his goodnight messages and his good morning hello- total attentive sweetheart!  How I was able to push his away and take the chance of him not forgiving me is beyond me.  The distance though, it also allowed me closure with my last soul mate... and I am positive I was supposed to meet Joron like I did, on my 40th birthday which was the blue moon.  Diving pre-orchestrated timing I'm sure.  My friends, bless their hearts, had a surprise birthday party for me {totally unexpected} and I felt SO loved.  Then the following week I met Joron... and life as I knew it would never, ever be the same.

I Know You... And I Love You!

It is a delicate balance between "loving" and "wanting."  From what I understand "wanting" means you don't have it already so when you scream out to the universe "I want him" it's just reiterating the fact that you don't have it and you will attract more not having it.

Doesn't that just suck?  I'd love my twin soul back in my arms like he was last year.  So in an effort to avoid the "wanting" I am writing about our love.  I like writing about our love.  It is Truth to me, Truth with a Capital "T."  Also I'd like to reaffirm who Joron is to me so please don't mind if I constantly and consistently begin these posts by saying who he is and what we are...

You are loving and caring and compassionate.  You adored my son upon meeting him because my son is a little ball of wiggly love and you knew this.  You met my son and wanted to know him better. Meeting him only a few times showed you that you could imagine my son in your life.  You wanted that.  You saw my amazingly awesome loving mothering skillz {with a Z} and you felt that you could really want to create a child with me.  You grew quickly to love my uniqueness and my quirkiness and you knew that together we could build a great home and family.  You are empathetic and fight for what you believe in.  You are respectful; you respected ME.  You are gentle... and tender and giving. I love you for being such a quality human being and for showing me a love that I didn't know could ever truly be mine.

That said.  Yes- Atheism.  He told me he was an Atheist and it gave me pause.  We immediately because to nudge each other on this slippery idea of "belief."  To him, my little Science Trip, God can't be examined, put in a machine to be blown up or burned or whatever scientists do in their machines, and God can't be peer reviewed or... the list goes on.  Because God can't be "proven" then God does not exist to him.  Much of our initial conversation concerned God but he was respectful of me.  It's a paradox isn't it?  To discuss my beliefs while layered over his non-belief but we made it work.  He listened with an open mind and appreciated my own passion for what I believe in.  He began to understand through our conversation that I do not think, at all, like the average Christian.

Another thing we have in common is that we both love the universe.  I've been in love with the night sky and cosmos my whole life.  I love star gazing.  I own a telescope.  I stay out late bundled up in the cold to watch meteor showers from my little slice of sky that peeks through in my backyard, and I squeal each and every time I catch sight of a shooting star.  He told me there was a meteor shower coming up and we should get together to watch it.  So bouncy and excited to meet me.  Wonderful happy energy.

Then came, soon, him asking to talk to me on the phone.  He didn't wait long and was like, "Oh we so need to talk!" So he asked me to call him one night... and as I already explained in the last post his voice was just so Joron.  Sweet.  Pure sweetness!  Beautiful and gentle and light.  Masculine enough but not too rough.  His voice is like his hands- he has gentle deft hands.  Powerful yet tender. Same with his voice.  We've talked on the phone before where just his voice makes me melt... and makes me totally wet.  I loved talking on the phone with him, and even on that first call where it was all "get to know you" he did not want to get off the phone.  He's always like this.  Always wanting me to talk just a little bit longer, and he says "I hate saying goodnight or goodbye." Joron and I talked for probably hundreds of hours in the short amount of time we were together and communicating in 3D.  I loved our phone calls, and honestly I'd really love to speak with him on the phone again.  Hearing his voice would be like hearing the sound of angels.

Lots of men these days hide behind text message and they are slow to communicate.  Seriously I cannot express to you just how open Joron is.  Totally and completely desiring to connect as often as we could, and he loved knowing more and more about me.  He loved sharing his life experiences and his loves with me.  This is why he ignited my passion for the cosmos by sharing with me tons of links and discussion about physics and science and the universe.  It was like knowing him "turned me on" on a very deep cellular level.  He inspired me to my very soul and I was not sure what was happening to me!

He also pushed my buttons.  On maybe our second hours-long call he called belief "nonsense" which I've come to realize is a commonly-used word in the Atheist community.  I took offense and told him so via email and he apologized but I could tell it was going to be an interesting issue between the two of us because it wasn't like some lukewarm non-believer was getting to know a fly-by-night believer. No.  We are both exceedingly passionate about where we stand in our belief and non-belief.  I've had so many experiences in my life where I could not doubt the existence of God, and he is a scientist who follows logic and evidence.

The one thing, though, we could not debate about was that we had a strong connection.  We could not get enough of each other and once he had my phone number he text me all the time.  And Joron is so funny!  He has this ironic sense of humor that is short and really tickles my funny bone. and see I can be the serious type.  I've had so many challenges that they have tempered me.  I can be more reflective than funny and he did well to bring the giggles out in me.  He text me often.  Or he emailed me.  Or he called me... and then he said, "We have to meet.  Like I so need to meet you soon."

One day he said wrote to me and said something like, "Oh I'm sorry honey."  I wrote back "Honey?  really?"  And from that point on he ALWAYS called me honey.  Or sugar dumplin' cupcake.  Or angel.  Or sweetie.  He said, "I got such a reaction from honey that I'll never stop.  And to his credit he didn't.  For the entirety of our relationship he always used the cutest pet names for me, just another sign of his sweet endearing affection.  I absolutely love hearing Joron call me honey.  I have some old voicemails he left me where he says in that gently sexy voice, "Hiiiii honey," and the smile on his face is always evident.  Always.  Such love.

While burning up the 'net with our crazed emailing I mentioned that my 40th birthday was coming up. I hadn't asked his age but I assumed due to his pictures that he was close to my age.  He said, "Oh you are going to be 40 soon?  So am I!"  He was going to turn 40 the day after me.  And then he asked me where I was born and we found out we were born in the same place at nearly the same time, within a few hours of each other.  So our mothers were in the hospital at the same time, and we probably breathed the same air while we slept near each other.  When Joron first saw my picture he kept telling me "I swear I know you from somewhere.  I'm sure we met before" but I know I'd never met him before.  He did kinda look like exactly the type of guy I would have adored in high school. Small, bouncy and cute, like Michael J. Fox lol.  But we had never met.

We grew up near each other though.  He went to a high school one town over and ended up dating then marrying a woman from my high school.  It's like our paths could have crossed many times but never did.  Even though he felt familiar to me I knew we'd never met.  So when he found out we were born together he said we must have lain next to each other, and he said he probably hit on me back then.  He said, "See!  I knew I'd seen you somewhere before!"

I laughed when he wrote this next bit, but I don't laugh any more.  I hold his words close to my heart like a precious gem.  He said, "See?  I held out for my destiny to be born before me," meaning that since he was born the next day from me he waited a few hours for me, his destiny, to be born before him.  *sigh*  Joron IS my destiny.  I know this.  He even called it himself.

After a few more phone calls he emailed me and said, "I want you to be the last woman I kiss in my thirties, the first woman I kiss in my forties and the last woman I kiss ever."

Dear reader... it has been 14 months since I have seen my Beloved's face.  I love him dearly, and I feel so strongly in my heart that we are meant to be together forever.  I was the last woman he kissed in his thirties, on my fortieth birthday under the light of the blue moon.  I was the first woman he kissed in his forties, on our second date.  I know I am meant to be the last woman he kisses, ever.

I think Joron and I came down to earth together so we could be in each others soul presence to the last moment.  Then we split to enter into our "twin" baby bodies at the very last minute.  I imagine us telling each other "Okay we can do this thing!  See you soon!" fist bumping and then parting to begin our journey on earth.

I love you my dear sweet friend.  I love you.

Initial Connection

Joron's energy from the start reminded me of a playful puppy or a happy child, very high, joyful and bright. Quivering with energy.  We started emailing and immediately I thought, "WTF is going on?"  I'd had super strong connections with my soul mates too.  Now hear me out... I have my MA in English Literature.  Call me a total word snob if you want to but one thing I need in a man is one who can communicate.  He does not have to write perfectly!  Honestly!  I'm not seeking out grammatical errors, and frankly I am not awesome at grammar or spelling either.  What I can do is express myself well especially through the written word.  I don't mean to sound egotistical.  I can't do long division and I can't add in my head and I sweat profusely when I have to manually figure out the tip on a restaurant bill.  I am horrid at math but I excel in reading comprehension and writing.  Always have.  It's my strength and I love to write.  So when I meet a man one way we will not click is if he cannot express himself.  In this day and age this means through writing too because so much communication is done via writing.  Because my soul knows me well, and knows how to get me to fall hook, line and sinker, a man who can WRITE to me and show me himself is the one way to really capture my attention.

Now stuff like, "hey babi... yer really hawt.  wanna get 2gether?"  <---- turn off city.

Again call me ego or judgmental but I want a man who can form a sentence and teach his current children or future children the beauty of the English language.  It's just a thing for me.  That said again I am not going to judge someone based on whether he can spell or use proper grammar.  It's all about being able to express himself.  A closed off man is not one for me.  I would not be able to handle a man who can write like Shakespeare yet who is only trying to woo my pants off either.  No go.  I want to know about your life,  Your likes,  Your dreams.  I need a communicator because I like to communicate and in a relationship it must be a two-way street.  I don't want to hear about sex and naughtiness right from the start though either, no matter how eloquent the communication is.

Well Joron is an excellent communicator as were my soul mates.  As I said, sneaky soul knows how to capture my attention.  So with Joron I was excited to meet a *single* man who was willing to talk with me and get to know me, and he was surprised to talk with someone who knew how to express herself as well.  So our emailing ignited and we totally looked forward to writing back and forth.  He was from the first moment just all sweetness and Light, and he was funny.  He claimed he could be sarcastic but I didn't get that from him.  Maybe a tad bit ironic but not sarcastic.  UNIQUE.  Joron has a refreshingly unique sense of humor and OMG I was totally in love with him by the end of the first day of writing back and forth to him!  That feeling is awesome, when you make that perfect connection and it's only through words, you know?  I also thought he was adorable from the two pictures I'd seen but his SPIRIT was amazing!

I was kinda pinching myself wondering... why was I getting so lucky?  Why did THIS one "feel" like a similar connection to my sweet soul mates but this one was clearly single.  Clearly open to a relationship and seemingly pretty "normal." A Geologist?  Like how exciting was that?  I am a total nerd and one of my favorite TV shows is "The Big Bang Theory" because men with brilliant minds totally turns me on.  Big time.  Intelligence for me makes me hot.  I love a smart man.  Gah.  So here I am communicating with a scientist and his mind and humor and adorable smile are already turning me on and I'm thinking maybe I am dreaming because he seems very sincere and honest and... EXCITED to be getting to know me.  He was telling me "Oh my gosh I already want to meet you. Does that freak you out?  Am I scaring you?" and it was cracking me up! He'd write and ask me my top ten favorite things and my top ten most hated things and he'd write his, and he is big on rating stuff from one to ten {I think this is his analytically side.}

Now here I am- a very strong believer who has a strong connection with my Higher Self who, at this time, I thought was Arch Angel Michael.  Let me interject for a moment how I feel about my guidance.  Since I've been communicating with "Spirit" I think it's always been my Higher Self in disguise.  My Higher Self has always knows the best way to guide me and teach me.  This is why the first "spirit guide" who came to me was a sweet loving soft gentle female named "Hope."  Fast forward a few years and Spirit started kicking my ass.  I battled through some fear and one morning I swear I heard "Arch Angel Michael" and I was like OMG- yes!  The Arch Angel of Whoop Ass was my guide!  He who will drag a person kicking and screaming towards healing no matter what it takes... of course he was guiding me through all of my fears.  AA Michael is known to kick some ass and take some names when he needs to, and whoa my ass had been kicked to begin healing me of some of my fears.

I did some research on AA Michael and I was convinced I had him with me.  I felt such reassurance in this fact, and I calmed a lot inside knowing an Arch Angel was guiding me.  And then of course, as Higher Self is wont to do, I got signs everywhere that AA Michael was around.  I pulled the card all the time or I'd see necklaces with his liking on it, etc. etc.  So when I met Joron I thought I was channeling an Arch Angel of the Light.  I read tarot cards.  I am once in a while chosen to give people readings... in other words I am a DEEP believer in the spirit world and God.

I also consider and considered myself to be very unconditionally loving and fairly non-judgmental.  I was raised Catholic and then dropped my Catholicism.  Spirit did have to work me through some fears about darkness and evil, and I'd just been through the worst of all that months prior to meeting Joron.  Here we are totally burning up each others email boxes when he sends me a message that says, "Oh by the way I'm an Atheist."

WHAT?!  An Atheist?  What did that mean?  Um- I didn't really KNOW anyone who labeled himself as an Atheist.  Didn't that mean he didn't, like, believe in GOD or something like that?

As an aside, I'd been told by every spiritualist I ever met that I've been a witch in all of my past lives. I don't pay much credence to past life stuff {this life is interesting and challenging enough thank you very much} but I can totally see where I was a witch in the past and I feel very witchy now too.  It just suits me, the whole manifestation and witchery, ritual {remember I did my soul mate ritual with the rocks.}  But I also tend to believe the witch thing because I've had to work through some major fears that are religion-based and I don't see how they can all come ONLY from this life.  My past wasn't that traumatized by Catholicism to have caused the mighty fear inside me about darkness and evil and being evil if I practiced spirituality over being a good "Christian."  So putting two and two together that I was a witch in past lives AND put to death for it does make a lot of sense to me now, in the fears I've had to work through concerning my own abilities, being open to Spirit.

Back to my Atheist.  So he drops this bomb on me about being an Atheist.  An Atheist scientist.  I was tussled for a moment because I didn't know a lot about Atheist, only that it was a lack of belief in God or anything God-like.

One who talks with angels and one who did not believe a God even existed.  Hm?  How was that going to work?  Well I am very open about myself and how I live my life so I wrote to him and said, "Wow funny because I talk to angels."  Talk about a love connection, hm?  I told him I was a strong believer but I believed in a much different way than the standard Christian.  So then we went back and forth with him making comments about Zeus and all these other Gods and which one was the REAL God and... a bunch of Atheist-speak.  He expected to be pushing my buttons about Paganism but I am very open-minded.  God is who a person feels God is.  Plain and simple.  If you believe God is in your maple tree, then that is God to you.  So I told him so and he was like "Oh."  He was surprised that I agreed I thought Noah was pretty much a bullshit story and unbelievable. And I told him I feel everyone is free to believe what he will, even if he chooses NOT to believe.

I don't think he knew exactly what to do with me or how to label me so he didn't try to.  He just told me "I need to talk to you, like tonight.  Do you want to talk to me later?"  His exuberance was like a little shaky puppy dog; like he quivered with excitement and it was contagious.  He definitely does not hide behind email or text so we planned to talk later that evening, probably like two days into emailing.

I won't ever forget the first time I heard my Beloved's voice.  It matched the image I had of him perfectly.  His voice is soft and kind but utlra sexy in this total scientist way, lol.  He's like... an angel.  His voice smiles.  Does that makes sense?  His voice is a smile.  It is loving and kind and friendly and cute all in one, and it is soft and gentle.

And I miss it.  That's why writing about him is so hard.  Bringing Joron so close... can be painful.  What we have expereinced together in this twin soul union has been OFF THE CHARTS unusual from a 3D persepctive, and I've forgotten the real him quite a bit, and I don't want to.  The mirroring is not his fault, and this man I describe here is my real love.  I miss my love.  I miss his voice, his sweet soft loving kind voice.  I wish I could dial his number and hear him pick up the phone with that big huge sometimes shy smile, "Hiiiii..."  Knowing and sweet and happy to hear from me.  He called me all the time.  He loves to talk to me, and he showed me that by always calling.  While we dated I rarely called him; he always called me.  I never had to worry if he was going to contact me because he was always there.  He never let me down.  We talked or emailed or text often, morning, noon and night and everywhere in between.  He started his morning by emailing his love a "Good morning beautiful" and he ended it by, no matter if we'd just talked for hours or made out like fiends on my couch all night. texting me goodnight, sleep tight and he hoped he'd dream about me.

He is my love- and these points about him, his wonderfulness?  It is why the "Law of Detachment" and "letting go" and "moving on" don't work so well for me.  I just don't think I can ever move on from my love.  It would be a miracle and Divinely inspired for me to find someone who even came close to his amazingness, and because of my overwhelming love for him and hope for us, I cannot and am not willing, to move on.  I HAVE to do this thing until I know I have finished my personal Quest, my soul journey, and I am not there yet.

Besides my son there is no man in my life I love how I love my Joron.  This is why I am still here and in this, facing my fears and trying my best to plug on despite silence and uncertainty.

It is why, for once, I believe in a dream, a dream of one day having the life that Joron and I came to discuss and desire together.  I am working to open my life to my destiny, a destiny with Joron as my husband sharing a life together with me, my son and our own children.

Again, I love you my twin soul.  With all my heart.  

Soul Mate Preparation in The Twin Soul Journey

Before I met Joron I'd been through a few love experiences that tested my ability to feel loved.  I feared love, feared that I was not loveable or memorable.  Those were soul mates put into my life to begin working through my issues with feeling like someone could fall in love with me and then just forget me.  On the outside I seem very well put together.  I am a strong single mom, a great mother.  I work full-time as an Assistant Director at a large university.  I own my home and a nice car.  I am pretty, take care of myself, present myself as a strong well-rounded talented friendly woman.  So to the world at large it seems like I am doing okay.  What they don't know is whenever I fall in love I freak the fuck out inside.  I have to really fall in love for it to happen though.  I didn't really experience it with my husband.  That was a love that faded in its own time.  I have to fall hard in what I call "soul mate" love in order for the fear to kick in, and I've felt it straight on for three years with different and subsequent soul mates who I loved SO much.  With each one I battled this fear that I was "out of sight out of mind,"  All three soul mates were married.  Their marital status had nothing to do with me fearing they didn't love me though.  I knew the love with them was soul-based, and I knew they'd not be in my life forever.  I faced the knowledge up front that one day I'd have to let them go... but I could not help myself from falling in love with them. and I do think this was for a purpose. To start healing me of my fear of not being loveable or memorable by making me face it head on.

I'm a cute, sweet, intelligent, interesting woman.  I am unique.  Not materialistic, not very vain in that I am not interested in trends or the latest styles or wearing lots of makeup, etc.  I am traditional.  I am told I am "beautiful" but it's a natural beauty.  I don't prance around thinking I'm the shit- I really don't concentrate too much on my looks.  Maybe that sounds vain, lol.  I do a bit and I look fresh and youthful.  But I also don't mind rolling out of the house with no makeup, hair in a pony with barely a second glance in the mirror.  I'm thankful that I'm "pretty" but it is understated, if that makes any sense.  I've been called "endearing."  I am NOT a person who someone could walk away from easily, and this was shown to me by my soul mates.  Despite my fear that I was not truly loved each one of them had a painful time falling in love with me and being unable to be with me.  It was no easier on them than it was for me although at that time I spent hours, days, weeks and months losing my mind, torturing myself over whether or not I was love, them being a catalyst to plunge me into my Dark Nights of The Soul.  Mind you- I never asked or expected any of them to be with me forever {they felt different in that regard than with my twin soul,}  To leave their wives and choose me was not something I really thought would happen.  I did wonder with the third.  He was having a hard time, and still is, in his marriage and he told me maybe meeting me was the inspiration he needed, the sign, to move on.  In the end though, despite me thinking for a while that I wanted him to be mine, this was not the case and it was never meant to be.  It was never what I expected deep down inside.  I pretty much knew we were lessons for each other, a reason or a season but not a lifetime.  And I don't think the lesson was only in "letting go" of that which I loved.  I think it was a lesson in letting go of the FEAR that they forgot about me the moment I was no longer in their presence.  And that is a fear that hurts all the way down to the core.  It is a dark deeply-seated fear that can make a women lose her mind from self-torture {and to understand my twin soul journey you gotta understand my fear of being held on to, loved.}

My second soul mate, Jason, and I kept in contact after he was gone from my life.  He loved me and had a hard time leaving me.  We grew very close and had he not had so many kids he would have been very tempted to change his life and be with me.  Well I knew this because he told me "I wish I could find a way to be with you."  He was torn.  I warned him that he could not go back home and expect his wife to be like me.  I am all love and she... well I think she tolerated him.  For whatever reason {and there are always two sides to every story} she did not act like she loved him very much.  I showed him a really huge love, nothing like he'd ever felt before.  And when he left of course things slowed.  He was back with his big family and he had a new job.  I still have my old journal entries documenting my fears from back then.  He was supposed to text me one day on his lunch but he told me the break room had no 'Net connection and I FREAKED out inside fearing he was lying to me and didn't want to say hello to me, like I was not worth maintaining a friendship with. I did not expect the romance to continue.  It didn't feel right... but I wanted to be his friend.  I wanted to be remembered. Then one day he explained that he dropped his phone in the lake and was trying to dry it out in rice so he could not text and he wanted to let me know so I didn't worry.  But what did I do?  Worried.  I wrote in my journal fighting my fear.  I debated with my fucking fear.  I fought with it.  I was afraid he was lying and was trying to distance himself from me.

A year later we were still friends, FEARS UNFOUNDED.  He would reach out to me to say hello. I'd moved on to a new love and no longer felt romantic feelings for him while... and here in the kicker- I think he still longed for me.  He saw a truck across from his workplace that was from the town I live in and it hit his heart hard.  He told me it broke his heart and made him think of me deeply, and I was shocked to see the extent of his love for me.  Then he flirted with me one night and I told him that we'd never be lovers again, never.  I was done with married men forever.  I'd finally broken things off with my third married soul mate and I was just D. O. N. E. done.  Never again would I be even tempted to think about being with a married man.  That was my past.  So I explained if he ever was in my area again that I'd meet for lunch as friends but nothing more than that, and I meant it.  Truly.

Then I met Joron.  And it's interesting because my relationship with my first soul mate who propelled me into my first Dark Night of The Soul came to a very loving end, unspoken but Spirit-driven, that spring, spring of 2013.  I had not seen him in a long time and we'd never had a good-bye.  God gave us one.  He was and always will be eternally special to me.  But that was over.  Then I ended things with my third soul mate which was a hard connection to let go of, whew.  And the second soul mate was still a friend via text, not romantic or flirty at all but he was still... energetically linked with me, One day he asked how I was doing and I told him I'd met someone wonderful.  I think he wrote me something like, "Of course you did.  Damn it."  Like he still held out hope, and it bothered me.

As Fate would have it he contacted me one day and told me he accidentally left his phone at home on day and his wife found it.  She read our text messages.  They were not loving and sexy or flirty or anything, just friendly, but they mentioned things we'd shared, like a visit to the museum when we were together.  He was found out big time.  She told him she found it and that they would talk, and then he talked with me about it.  I felt so bad but I told him he could not go on forever in his marriage like he was.  He was miserable and I don't think she was very happy either.  The only thing he could do was tell the truth and tell her how unhappy he was, decide if they wanted to stay together or get a divorce. It was never my intention to harm any of their marriages, and I know those who would judge me would call me a home-wrecking bitch but oh well.  I know my truth.  He HAD to face her.  But I told him it was time for us to stop communicating and he agreed, and I wished him the best.  I don't know what happened with them but I honestly feel it was meant to happen so he could either fix his marriage or get out of it.

That said- all three soul mates showed me they loved me.  I should not have been so fearful of being forgotten or unworthy of love.  All three were lessons.  I was told from above that they were "lessons in letting go" but I always knew they were not lessons in letting go of love but of fear.  I learned how to love unconditionally because I clearly knew these men would never be a permanent part of my life. They were temporary; I had to love them for the sake of loving them not because I expected anything from them beyond a lasting soul connection knowing I'd see them once I died and went to the great beyond.

To help me through these connections I read "Journey of Souls" by Michael Newton.  Reading about soul mates helped me realize I'd see my "friends" once I passed on.  They were, without fail, soul mates.  And special.  And they are all gone from my life now.  I think that had to happen to open the connection for Joron.  I had to let go of those physical ties with all of them, and I did.

I would have been nice if I could have let go of my fear of not being worthy of a long-lasting love but THAT was something I could not let go of.  I experienced it with Joron terribly once it was obvious that we were falling in love hard- that love scared the shit out of me.  It left me feeling vulnerable and open to being hurt.  Letting go over and over had affected me too, wondering if I'd ever meet a man who could be mine.  Who would choose me, and honestly meeting a SINGLE man was terrifying because he actually had the ability to choose me... if he wanted to.  Do you see the difference?  A married man was "safe."  I didn't have to worry about rejection because he could not choose me to begin with.  It was never my expectation.  When I wrote in my journal I told God I really wanted a man who was SINGLE, whole and healed and didn't come with a bunch of marital "baggage."  A man who was ready for real love, who had already worked out his shit.  I just didn't expect to meet him quite so suddenly!  I loved all my soul mates dearly and wanted the best for them but I was ready to move on. To be myself and be open to a love that was freely available to me.

This sometimes happens with those who are meant to meet their twin souls.  I firmly believe we meet strong soul mates before the twin soul experience, and these soul mates help begin the process of clearing out our shit.  I was not as fearful meeting Joron as when I met my first soul mate.  I could not have met Joron two years earlier; the mirroring has already been intense- two years earlier it would have killed me.  I had to deal with my fear of evil.  I had to begin to let go of my "Christianity" and that process had already started before I met him.  I had to learn more trust in my guidance, my Higher Self.  I had to learn a stronger unconditional love before meeting him, and I had to be introduced CLEARLY to my fear of being rejected, forgotten, let go of, by those who love me.  Had I met Joron any earlier... it would never have lasted.  I would have freaked out on him in the 3D.  I would have never been able to accept it, and had I met him any sooner I would NEVER ever have been able to trust SPIRIT, my Higher Self. I would have ran for the hills once the mirroring started and never looked back.  So my soul mates had to be in my life to prepare me.

Then I met Joron and it exploded like wildfire.  I was not expecting him, at all, but my GOD what a refreshing change he was!  I'd asked for a man who would love ME not what I could do for him, someone who my entire connection was stronger than sexual.  I wanted my next man to love me for my everything not just because we had a strong physical connection.  I mean I knew my soul mates loved me but I will admit it- they were affairs, and in affairs much of the time spent together is connection intimately.  I wanted MORE.  Yes they always said hello and kept up with me but this next time I fell in love I wanted it to be magnetic but... balanced.  Someone who respected my mind too, who was willing to sit and talk with me and just be with me.

I was not prepared to meet another man and jump right in the sack, not on even the third or fifth or tenth date.  I was feeling very protective of myself {emotionally and physically meaning my body and feminine bits} at this point, and something inside of me needed that down time.  I guess maybe I wanted proof from a man that he was willing to wait for me. to get to know me for ME, to earn my trust, and to show me a strong pure love BEFORE expecting me to share my body with him.  I wanted a close dear friend as well as a lover, like a BFF I could eventually make love with.

Well I found him in Joron, completely.  I know what a twin soul is; a twin soul is an exact match, the epitome of everything we've ever asked for in another human being, and yes they are an exact mirror of who we are.  That is MY truth.  I am loving and kind and open-hearted.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and am never afraid to express my love for another person.  I am openly affectionate and kind, caring.  I may fear being loveABLE but I do not fear loving another person.  I am also sensual with a hint of naughty and I LOVE sex.  I really do.  With someone I totally love and adore and am attracted to... I want it every day.  Good close lovemaking to me is like the BEST shit on earth, better than vacations or chocolate or, well, anything.  If you asked me "What is your favorite past time" I'd say, "Good lovemaking!"  It's how I am wired and I am not afraid to admit it.  I am a walking ball of love. I love hard and this means physical love too- but it MUST be shared with a soul connection who cares for me.  It has to mean something, something large and loving, for it to be enjoyable for me.  That is a very important distinction when it comes to me and "S. E. X."  It has to be truly "making love" for it to be right and healthy for me.  Anything less leaves me wounded inside, and I'd expereinced this wounding prior to meeting Joron; this is why I'd set the boundary for myself that I'd only be intimate with a man going forward if there was "getting to know each other" time, and if the sex was not based only on attraction, and I'd have to know he loved me and I love him.  He had to care about my well-being and respect me.

Sex with no caring or respect or LOVE, to me, feels quite sickening, and I'd let that hurt me when I went through my Dark Nights.  None of my soul mates fell into this category at all but I'd met a few others who did, one in particular where in a very dark moment I had nothing more than a hurtful fling. And when he wanted another booty call I told him no, that the first one had been a bad decision on my part and behaving in that way was not normally who I am.  He called me a fucking cock tease and kept bothering me and, yeah, it was not a good feeling.  I was just SO ready to put all that in my past and go back to the woman I'd been before where intimacy=love.

Joron was about as healing as healing could be.  He was EVERYTHING I asked for a needed to show me that this type of love exists, and I deserved it.  He blew into my life and shook me up.  He was different than any man I'd ever met before, and he totally challenged how I viewed myself and the world.  He loved {and loves} me with a patience and grace that can come only from an angel.  I called him my "Atheist angel" for this reason- he seemed angelic to me in all of his loving wonderful perfection.  Being with him, his patience and total care for my well-being, was exactly what I needed. Unfortunately for me, due to my past issues, I had a hard time accepting or believing in this amazing, strong, pure love, and I didn't realize he was my twin soul.  Not at all.  I didn't realize he would show me all of my fears so I could face them. He didn't know that either.  He only knew he met this awesome chick.  One his age who looked and seemed much younger than our 40 years.  One who understood him and appreciated his differences too.  One he wanted to date and spend time with and share life with.  One he found himself falling hard in love with very quickly.  Neither one of us knew although the connection was INSANELY strong and I knew... I knew we had the mind reading and telepathy going on.  I knew he was somehow psychic due to the things he'd say to me, reading my mind.  I knew he was beyond perfect, and all that wonder and amazement overwhelmed me, scared me, and made me wonder when the other shoe might drop.  "When will this one leave me?" was what I wrote in my journal.  My fears ran deep despite my love being strong.

I am still battling some fear yet my love runs deeper than my fear hence why I am writing this blog in an attempt to do what I can to continue to heal myself and defend the love we have together, to trust him and show our souls that I am willing to beat my fear in order to be reunited.  I will not give in to fear like I've done in the past.  I won't give up on our dream of being together no matter how scary this journey can be at times.

I love you with all of my heart my twin soul.