First Impressions

I have been thinking about first impressions.  Can they be trusted?  Well I hate to say this but my ex-husband... he gave me a horrible first impression and I really should have paid better attention BUT I was meant to be with him because we have our son together, and my son is my angel-baby doll-face. So I will love my ex-husband forever {not in love but love} because he blessed me with the DNA that helped to create the physical body and heart that allowed my son's soul to come to earth and be with me, one of my strongest soul mates.  In the end what I realized is my ex grew on me.  We did not date right away.  He was able to observe me from afar and learned what I "needed" in order to make me fall for him.  The first impression I had of him ended up being my last impression as well. My first impression of him is what eventually lead to me wanting out of the marriage... and that tells me something about my intuition- it can be trusted.

First impressions CAN be trusted as fact.  I think most people are honestly themselves upon meeting. Yes they want to give a good "first impression" but many of us twin souls are very insightful with strong intuition and connection with Spirit.  We see things more clearly than other people, and we can get a good read on people very quickly.  When I met Joron the first impression he gave me was all sweetness and Light. Like I said, he was like an exuberant quivering puppy just vibrating with excitement.  An absolute doll, and I know I can trust that first impression as truth.  I can pretty much trust everything I saw from him when we dated as truth.  He was very genuine and honest.  Up front and upstanding.

After the ending of our first date with that amazing lip-lock {oh how I dream of kissing those sweet lips again} I wondered when I would hear from him again.  Soon?  Or would he play it cooool.

Oh geeze Joron is anything but playing it cool.  He plays nothing.  Joron is Joron, very genuine with his emotions and intention.  He plays by no other rules but his own.  He got home and immediately text me telling me what an amazing time he'd had with me and asked for a second date.  My dear loving sweetie, he could not wait to tag me for a second meeting.  Well his birthday was the next day and I had my son the rest of the week so we met that weekend.  In between we of course talked on the phone, text and emailed, lol.  Always in contact.  We were always communicating, he and I.  It really was lovely.  Absolutely amazing to be with a man who could have me, and was choosing to do so. One who really cared about my feelings and how I think, what I feel.

Some things about Joron.  He is a humanitarian of sorts.  Being a scientist and Atheist he doesn't really like stupid narrow-minded people but he has a very just kind merciful heart.  As he says he is not a "fighter."  More of a lover.  But he is heavily involved in his "movements" such as he is involved with ensuring Creationism is not taught in public schools.  Now I know this seems like an "Atheist" thing but it is not.  It is a HUMAN issue.  Creationism is not "real."  It is based on religion and what we choose to believe.  The earth is obviously not 6000 years old like the bible says.  Dinosaurs and humans did NOT walk together like the Creationists brainwash their own children into believing, child abuse.  One does not need to be an Atheist to desire keeping religion out of public schools. This is something I feel strongly about too.  I do not take my child to a Christian church any longer because he is growing too aware, and I refuse to fill his head with nonsense such as sin and guilt and "Jesus suffered and died for YOU!  For YOUR sins!"  Eegads no.  Hell to the no. And I don't want him learning any of that drivel in public school.  If I want him to learn lies then I will send him to a private religious school, and God knows THAT will never happen.

My son will never ever learn that if you do not accept Jesus Christ as your Savior who died on the cross then you will not be saved.  I think that is the hugest load of stupid bullshit crap EVER.  My soul actually shudders at the thought of my sweet son learning something as ridiculous as... only through Jesus can we know God.  Jesus should be seen as love, unconditional love.  Only through Love can we truly know The Divine.  Salvation has nothing to do with believing in or embracing some "God made flesh" named Jesus- and that is a truth in which I feel very vehement.  I could go on and on but I won't.  I believe Jesus is Love, and I think that Love would be very upset to know in his name people have died for much much less than Love.

So as you can see, my mindset is not that much different than my Atheist love, and yes I'd already felt like this before I met him.  Religion is the bane of all existence.  It corrupts, ruins, brainwashes, and overall fucks up people's minds the world over.  Lennon had it right- no religion.  A strong belief in God but without all the stupid silly inane nonsensical rules and bullshit.  My biggest gripe against religion is... oh where should I start?  It pits people against one another.  It creates division with this whole idea of "My god is better than your god" or "My god is the ONLY god" or all of the rules and sins and guilt and and and... let's blow each other up because of GOD!  My ranting against religion is not what this blog is about BUT Joron and I had these discussions all the time because while I am a believer and he is not that is where our difference ends.  I agree with him on the rest.  I believe in "God" but I think of it as an energy of love, and almost like Physics and spirituality combined.  He does not believe there is an "intelligence" out there but after all of my experiences and guidance I DO believe in an intelligence yet I don't know exactly what it is.  I know it has Joron and I linked, and we have been since we were born and I'd venture to say before that moment.  If you look at how we were born in the same hospital at the same time, that is no coincidence.  It had to have been pre-planned. Who planned it?  Us?  A "Higher" smarter us?  Us on the other side?  I do know that energy, "God," loves Joron just as much as it loves me, or you, or Jesus... even if my love is not a believer.  It just does not matter.  Joron is an amazing man with a wonderful heart.  He is very low ego and high heart; he IS love through and through.

So.  We had these discussions a lot.  On our second date we met again at the same bar but I was feeling antsy.  Anxious almost.  Claustrophobic.  I needed to get outside and off the bar stool; I needed fresh air.  I needed away from alcohol.  So we had a quick drink and I asked to leave and walk again.  As we walked he told me about himself and his life.  He gave me a quick overview of what he'd been doing back in the Midwest.  He'd been married many years before, and it was a short marriage.  After that he met someone out in CA and dated her for many years.  She worked with him and they were on again, off again.  Lived together and were engaged but {and for the sake of privacy I will keep it brief} it ended badly.  He was very hurt and felt he needed to get away so he moved back home.  He'd been back in my area for 18 months, hadn't dated and felt that he would eventually move back to CA when his contract we up where he worked, at a museum.  He'd worked at this museum for a year contract and then planned to go back to CA.  As he explained it to me, when the contract was up something made him want to take another year.  He'd bought a home and was sharing it with his brother, and it seemed right to take another year.  It was half way through that year that he met me, and as he said- he'd had no intention of meeting a romantic partner, especially because he had the intention of moving back to CA.

I do remember now that before we even met face to face he asked me one night on the phone if I would ever consider moving away.  I told him no because my son's dad is here.  But see I didn't consider falling head over heels in love with someone and wanting a new start.  I didn't consider that just because I have a child means I am locked here; other families move around and make it work with mutual respect and trust.  At the time though he was a stranger to me.  I had no idea.  He told me later that he told himself then not to meet me but he felt he HAD to; he was compelled to meet me so he did.  He said he couldn't NOT meet me after talking to me.

As we walked along hand in hand he bared his soul to me telling me how his first wife did him.  He did not speak ill of her.  No name calling.  Nothing bad- just truth.  He was very casual in explaining his heartbreaks yet I could tell these were experiences that had hurt him.  He held my hand while we walked at the park again.  I can remember how he caught my eye and smiled so sweetly.  "That is all in my past now though.  I've had time to heal and I'm over it.  I am ready to love again."  He was SO serious yet cute as he said, "I don't mean to scare you or anything.  I'm just saying that being in love is a wonderful experience and I am ready to be in love again."

Joron is very open with his feelings.  He does not hold back with his expression of love, tenderness and honesty.  He never held back with me while we were together, never.  Heart on his sleeve alllll the way!  The look on his face I will never forget.  Walking along together holding my hand, kind of swinging our hands in between one another while telling me how ready he was to be in love again, and I could tell he meant it.  He was not being pushy or desperate.  He was being honest and open. Already showing me just how much sweetness and light he was.  I remember looking at him thinking, "Is this guy for real?  Like really?"  I doubted Joron from the very start because he was so fucking perfect in every single way.  That perfection scared me.  Why?  Because... I feared it meant heartache would follow on the heels of strong love.  That my heart would be crushed by perfection.  Love scared me.  I craved love.  I'd prayed for my one true love but at the same time a strong willing available love scared the shit out of me because in the back of my mind I knew he could crush me.

Then I had to pee again.  So I again drug him to my home and he chuckled and said he had to go too. After he washed his hands and came out of the bathroom we both just kinda stood in my darkened living room and he looked at me then smiled and kissed me again.  And kissed me.  And kissed me...

And I don't think he stopped kissing me the entire time we dated.  It was only six weeks.  I can't believe we only dated face to face for six weeks.  It literally felt like months, and like he said in the end: it was like six years of love squeezed into six weeks.  Well maybe seven but that was it.  We began talking on the last day of July, 2013.  Then we met face to face August 20th, and then Joron went quiet and everything changed on October 18, 2013, a date I would love to forget.  So we did not have a lot of time together but that is very typical for twin souls, especially now that twins are coming together faster and stronger than ever before.  They are also parting more swiftly too in order to get the process moving as fast as possible.  We fit the twin soul dynamic to a "T."  About six weeks into our relationship and he was on a plane moving 2100 miles away from me... but for those six weeks we were lip locked.

Kissing Joron was like kissing an angel.  Those kisses are divine.  I am not sure if it was like kissing God or kissing myself or what.  Maybe it truly is the same energy in each of us, same soul energy divided evenly between the two of us so that when we came together it was like I was actually meeting myself in another person's body.  I don't quite know.  I just know that when he put his arms around me in my living room and we moved to the couch to slip down next to each other and make out for the next hour or so... I lost my mind.  Literally.  My mind left and my soul took over.  My heart soared.  Oh my God he is the best kisser ever.  Like ever.  We melt together when we kiss, perfectly.  It was like we became one... and it was passionate and sensual but it was also chaste in its own way.  It was not... sexual.  It was divine.  I can't stray from that word.  Kissing Joron felt like I was a teen again.  I did not date as a teen.  No heavy make out sessions for me when I was younger.  Kissing him on my couch made me feel like I was a teen all over again experiencing that first love make out session.  It was so hot and heavy yet innocent.  His hands never strayed.  All above the waist, lol.  Not even a boob graze {and with DDD boobs these puppies are hard to miss!}  As inviting as my curves may be he was Mr. Respectful through and through.  He'd look in my eyes and smile then take his hand and touch my face.  Leaning me more towards him, tilting my head, he'd kiss me... and his kisses were like I was his air, the air he breathed.  Necessary for life.  Oh my word.

Imagining his kisses... is like an earthquake in my heart.  Those memories shake me to my foundation.  This has been the scariest experience of my life, watching the man I love turn into my worst fears.  That terror keeps him very far from me.  I forget the man he is, the man he showed me. I forget Truth, and the truth is he was made for me.  We were made for each other and once we came together it was like coming home.  Sitting and kissing that man was heaven for me and I refuse to apologize for that.  Feeling that in his arms I was finally... where I was meant to be- that is not weak or co-dependent or wrong.  It does not mean I feel that I am not whole without him.  What it means is that with Joron I found love, that love that makes a heart soar.  A love that can move mountains and make a person even more of what she already is.  In him I found perfection.  Absolute utter perfection.  Sweetness, Light.  Honesty.  Genuine grace and goodness.  In his arms I felt more home than I have ever been except for when my son is snuggled with me.  Joron is me.  We came together like two strong magnets that had been seeking each other for a very long time.

His hands.  *sigh*  His hands are long and somewhat slim and very tender and almost graceful.  I'd suspect they would be with the work he does, testing rocks all day.  A scientist's hands, Geologist. Deft and gentle.  I can still feel how he'd reach out and oh so softly place his hand on my cheek and guide my face towards him with a little smile- always a smile as he kissed me, like he was so happy to be there with me, kissing me.  Always kissing me.  I talk a lot about our kisses.  I dream about our kisses, and I ache for our kisses because those kisses were heaven.  Honest to God when I die and move on- heaven will be me kissing Joron for eternity.  I want nothing more than to embrace his energy again and be one with him, merge and meld and kiss forever.  It does not even have to be sex. If I could never have sex with Joron again but I could just hold him, kiss him and talk to him- be in his presence and enjoy the essence that is HIM- I'd be ecstatic.  Some would read this and say I am obsessed or... whatever they will.  But everything I've ever wanted is in him.  We sat on my couch that second night and kissed and kissed.  Giggled and kissed oh so softly, ever so gently.  I can't really explain any more just how wonderful he is.  He was always willing to come visit me just for those kisses, just to be close to me.  I didn't have to do anything or give him more or be anyone other than who I am: just me.  He loved being with just me, holding me and kissing me.

It was blissful, heaven on earth.  And it scared me in it's perfection.

So at the end of that night, a night where he bopped along with me telling me how ready he was to love again, to be in love again and have a relationship, telling me he is a "relationship" type of guy and definitely not a "fling" man but instead wanting a strong monogamous relationship... a night where we ended up sitting in the comfort of my house kissing like our souls had waited forty years to do so I came back home after our date somewhat flabbergasted.  I wasn't sure what was happening. He seemed perfect.  So fucking adorable.  Joron is so little and cute and amazing and charming that you want to scoop him up and put him in your pocket and just keep him there forever, close to the heart.  I got home and took out my angel cards.  These cards are deeply introspective.  Very spiritual in nature.  I shuffled and asked God to please tell me what this man is to me, what is his purpose in my life because he surely did NOT feel like an accident.  As we were walking along I kept thinking, "It feels like I am walking with myself, like I am walking with me."  He felt so comfortable, like I knew him yet I knew we'd never met before.

I shuffled well and pulled one card, a card I'd never pulled before.  Now, so you understand, the man I loved before Joron, I could pull the "Freedom" card over and over and over at that time.  Once I pulled "Faith, Freedom, Freedom, Faith, Freedom, Faith."  No lie.  This time I slipped the card out and the front of it had a beautiful angel holding a bow- and I knew it was Eros, or Cupid.  "Partnership" is the card, and it is all about soul mate love.  A very strong life-changing soul mate love.  Like a one and only true love soul mate love.  And so funny but at the very end it states to be watchful because often that one and only true love soul mate comes packaged in ways we would never expect, very different than what we imagine.  And that is SO Joron!  Slight, an Atheist, a scientist... very far from some burly goatee boot-wearing cowboy... and I couldn't have loved him more for it.  I was already falling in love with him and it was only our second date, and my cards never lie.

My heart was elated yet I felt a sense of... fear.  And I will tell you why.  Because fear has controlled my life for far too long.  I love my parents but I was raised in fear, steeped in it.  Fear had played a major role in my life and I am still to this day working through it.  And when I met Joron he was so utterly perfect that I had mixed emotions.  I am embarrassed to say I had a small irrational fear that he was a test from the divine to see if I would stay faithful in my love for God.  I wondered in "the darkness" had sent me an Atheist to test my loyalty to the lord- like maybe he was SO tempting and perfect because I was supposed to RESIST his love.  Like maybe I was failing in falling for him, failing the test from above or falling into the clutches of evil for falling in love with a non-believer.

Yes I said it was irrational.  I totally fell for him, and hard, but there was an underlying worry.  This sense of "when is the other shoe going to drop" but I tried to push it away because he was just so amazing.  I'd never met a man like him before.  Joron is so mind-expanding.  He'd share all of these science links with me, like these "Symphony of Science" videos... and these make me think of Joron so much, just so much.  We ARE all connected and I was shown this through Joron.  Nothing in our relationship, our "partnership," was left up to accident.  It was all balanced perfectly with the help of Spirit.  Higher Self maybe.  I don't know for sure but I know that when he sent me a photo of the galaxy and told me that I am made of the same stuff as the stars that he is correct, and I was meant to meet him.  I adore him.  I adore the galaxy.  Yes it is exhilarating to imagine all that is out there in its vast never-endingness.  Joron told me that he is spiritual in his own way, and he meant it.  His soul is HUGE and strong and good, just like his wonderful heart.  "We are a way for the cosmos to know itself" and that is no different than saying "We are a way for GOD to know itself."  No difference.

There was no difference between us; we are so much the same.  And I miss my love more than I can express here or even want to.  I love him.  Plain and simple.  No matter the mirroring.  No matter anything that has happened between us I adore every hair on his body and I know we do have some strangely beautiful multi-dimensional soul connection.  I may now know exactly what it is {twin soul, twin flame, etc.} but I do know that he feels me.  And I know he loves me.  I know that I have learned things about myself that I was unable to ignore any longer, even if it hurts.

Joron loves Richard Dawkins.  He's a brilliant evolutionary biologist and strong Atheist.  James also loved Carl Sagan who is... amazing.  A very soft-hearted man and scientist.  Once Joron wrote to me and told me, "You asked me why I am so nice..." and he told me it was because his life was shaped by these scientists like Carl Sagan.  I remember sitting here one night while we dated watching these movies and sharing them with my son.  Ever cell in my body celebrated knowing a man so brilliant yet sweet.  So real yet stimulating and intelligent- one who actually liked me.  One who did not ridicule me or feel threatened by my own brilliant mind.  One who could choose me and was deciding to do so.  Sitting here feeling him in these words, in this science.  In the amazingness of all that is.  He was enamored with the universe in the same way as I love God.  He just felt it in a different way than I do, and there is nothing wrong with that.  He told me that a spiritual experience for him was when he saw the huge atom smasher or looking through a high-power telescope... those are his spiritual expereinces and I don't fault him for those or think they are any less significant than my own.

He is an amazing human being.  I really honestly miss my love from the depths of my soul.  I am willing to do anything it takes to bring us back together again, even if it means facing my fears as best I can.  I can only do what I feel is my best but sitting back doing nothing, falling into ego and letting fear ruin me, isn't going to cut it.  I owe it to this sweet adorable man who has been my helped to dig down deep into my heart and FEEL him again, know his truth.  And Truth is he fell for me too, immediately.  He recognized that goodness and love in me just like I did him.  His heart told him "She's the one!" and he loved me upon meeting me too.  We loved each other hard and pure and good, totally right.  And the only reason why we are separated is, like he said, due to "circumstances."  It's not due to a lack of love.  We love each other.  And love like ours is not meant to stay apart forever.  I understand we are together in Spirit but still we want to be together, all of us.  We are like two high-power magnets being held apart from each other, and the pull is painful.  All we want is to be back together.

I pray to my God, my guides, my angels and my Higher Self to please PLEASE help me work through my blocks and fears in order to knock my walls down and let the light in.  Jesus... you know my heart and it is a good heart.  I am pure and good and loving to my core, and I am so tired of fear. I know he did not choose any of this with his willful intention and yes he is a good dear man just like I am a good woman.  Our love for each other was only pure goodness and light.  The fear was not my fault but a by-product of my past that needs to be cleared now.  But please help me release all of that old stuff to surrender and make way for the new stuff.  I miss my love and wish to have him back in my life.  Please.  Please help me.  Help me stay open to Truth and protect me from all anxiety, fear and suffering.  No more pain.  I pray for the day, on my knees pray, for the day when my twin soul love friend dear makes his way back to me.  I love him so much and yes I do know that he loves me. He always did, way more than I ever realized.  He was made for me.  My love.  Please help us to come back together and I know this means I have to do my part so please help push me and release me of fear so I can shift the energy around from fear to love.  I truly do believe my Quest is one of Truth and Love.  Holding on to Truth which means to hold on to love.  Love for myself, God and for my twin soul Joron.  I am a good person and I have healed many external issues such as the drinking, smoking and wanting to date around to distract.  I feel very pure and cleansed... but I need emotional purity as well.  No fear, no ego, no resentment or anger.  No pain although I do wish to talk to my love one day.  I miss communicating with him, sharing with him.  Just please know I love you my dear.  I know what you have helped do for me in cleaning me out, and I think of you nearly every moment of every day.  I do want you happy and I know you want to be happy WITH me so I will try to make it so we can be back together.  I don't want you alone- you are made for love.  I really want to be that love with you.  Kisses every morning, lovemaking every night.  Kisses.  Always the kisses.

Yes I do know my blessings.  My son, my amazing friends: Bev, Sheryl, Kim, Tracy, Shannon, Lori, Jen plus others I forget to list.  I have good friends that soul has brought to me in order to keep me sane and support me in love.  My family is healthy.  I am sad that we lost uncle Nick but please take care of him God.  I know you will.  We did pray for him but it must have been his time.  Thank him for being so good to me as a child.  I remember his bright jolly smile and soft warm chuckle.  Good man.  I have this home that houses me and my child,  My son loves this house.  It is the main home he's known and to him it is safe and warm and loving, like his mommy.  I am thankful that my parents are both healthy and whole and married in love.  I have my kitties who keep me company.  I have a job that provides me the assistance I need to make a life.  I have a strong connection to the divine and experience a world most people do not, and that is something I tend to overlook very often.  I know, kind of, what life behind the veil is like.  Not many people know God, or something we call God, really exists but shit I do.  I've had enough contact to know something is out there, something much bigger than us so when we die we will move on.  I am not afraid of death because I know after I die I will live on beyond this body.  But speaking of this body... I am thankful for the person I am.  I like my face, lol.  I like myself.  I am glad to be me.  Thank you.

I do love my Beloved.  I can't wait to look into his beautiful eyes again, and I can't wait to hear his amazingly sweet loving voice again.  I do adore my twin soul.  So much.  I know that I will connect with him in love and tenderness again one day, in this lifetime because we are meant to be together and we will be.  We will one day be married.  I know it is my destiny to be with him, share a life and love with him, have a family together.  Love together, and oh what a love it will be.

Yes my love- I want to love you every night.  Kisses.

XXOO