Joron's energy from the start reminded me of a playful puppy or a happy child, very high, joyful and bright. Quivering with energy. We started emailing and immediately I thought, "WTF is going on?" I'd had super strong connections with my soul mates too. Now hear me out... I have my MA in English Literature. Call me a total word snob if you want to but one thing I need in a man is one who can communicate. He does not have to write perfectly! Honestly! I'm not seeking out grammatical errors, and frankly I am not awesome at grammar or spelling either. What I can do is express myself well especially through the written word. I don't mean to sound egotistical. I can't do long division and I can't add in my head and I sweat profusely when I have to manually figure out the tip on a restaurant bill. I am horrid at math but I excel in reading comprehension and writing. Always have. It's my strength and I love to write. So when I meet a man one way we will not click is if he cannot express himself. In this day and age this means through writing too because so much communication is done via writing. Because my soul knows me well, and knows how to get me to fall hook, line and sinker, a man who can WRITE to me and show me himself is the one way to really capture my attention.
Now stuff like, "hey babi... yer really hawt. wanna get 2gether?" <---- turn off city.
Again call me ego or judgmental but I want a man who can form a sentence and teach his current children or future children the beauty of the English language. It's just a thing for me. That said again I am not going to judge someone based on whether he can spell or use proper grammar. It's all about being able to express himself. A closed off man is not one for me. I would not be able to handle a man who can write like Shakespeare yet who is only trying to woo my pants off either. No go. I want to know about your life, Your likes, Your dreams. I need a communicator because I like to communicate and in a relationship it must be a two-way street. I don't want to hear about sex and naughtiness right from the start though either, no matter how eloquent the communication is.
Well Joron is an excellent communicator as were my soul mates. As I said, sneaky soul knows how to capture my attention. So with Joron I was excited to meet a *single* man who was willing to talk with me and get to know me, and he was surprised to talk with someone who knew how to express herself as well. So our emailing ignited and we totally looked forward to writing back and forth. He was from the first moment just all sweetness and Light, and he was funny. He claimed he could be sarcastic but I didn't get that from him. Maybe a tad bit ironic but not sarcastic. UNIQUE. Joron has a refreshingly unique sense of humor and OMG I was totally in love with him by the end of the first day of writing back and forth to him! That feeling is awesome, when you make that perfect connection and it's only through words, you know? I also thought he was adorable from the two pictures I'd seen but his SPIRIT was amazing!
I was kinda pinching myself wondering... why was I getting so lucky? Why did THIS one "feel" like a similar connection to my sweet soul mates but this one was clearly single. Clearly open to a relationship and seemingly pretty "normal." A Geologist? Like how exciting was that? I am a total nerd and one of my favorite TV shows is "The Big Bang Theory" because men with brilliant minds totally turns me on. Big time. Intelligence for me makes me hot. I love a smart man. Gah. So here I am communicating with a scientist and his mind and humor and adorable smile are already turning me on and I'm thinking maybe I am dreaming because he seems very sincere and honest and... EXCITED to be getting to know me. He was telling me "Oh my gosh I already want to meet you. Does that freak you out? Am I scaring you?" and it was cracking me up! He'd write and ask me my top ten favorite things and my top ten most hated things and he'd write his, and he is big on rating stuff from one to ten {I think this is his analytically side.}
Now here I am- a very strong believer who has a strong connection with my Higher Self who, at this time, I thought was Arch Angel Michael. Let me interject for a moment how I feel about my guidance. Since I've been communicating with "Spirit" I think it's always been my Higher Self in disguise. My Higher Self has always knows the best way to guide me and teach me. This is why the first "spirit guide" who came to me was a sweet loving soft gentle female named "Hope." Fast forward a few years and Spirit started kicking my ass. I battled through some fear and one morning I swear I heard "Arch Angel Michael" and I was like OMG- yes! The Arch Angel of Whoop Ass was my guide! He who will drag a person kicking and screaming towards healing no matter what it takes... of course he was guiding me through all of my fears. AA Michael is known to kick some ass and take some names when he needs to, and whoa my ass had been kicked to begin healing me of some of my fears.
I did some research on AA Michael and I was convinced I had him with me. I felt such reassurance in this fact, and I calmed a lot inside knowing an Arch Angel was guiding me. And then of course, as Higher Self is wont to do, I got signs everywhere that AA Michael was around. I pulled the card all the time or I'd see necklaces with his liking on it, etc. etc. So when I met Joron I thought I was channeling an Arch Angel of the Light. I read tarot cards. I am once in a while chosen to give people readings... in other words I am a DEEP believer in the spirit world and God.
I also consider and considered myself to be very unconditionally loving and fairly non-judgmental. I was raised Catholic and then dropped my Catholicism. Spirit did have to work me through some fears about darkness and evil, and I'd just been through the worst of all that months prior to meeting Joron. Here we are totally burning up each others email boxes when he sends me a message that says, "Oh by the way I'm an Atheist."
WHAT?! An Atheist? What did that mean? Um- I didn't really KNOW anyone who labeled himself as an Atheist. Didn't that mean he didn't, like, believe in GOD or something like that?
As an aside, I'd been told by every spiritualist I ever met that I've been a witch in all of my past lives. I don't pay much credence to past life stuff {this life is interesting and challenging enough thank you very much} but I can totally see where I was a witch in the past and I feel very witchy now too. It just suits me, the whole manifestation and witchery, ritual {remember I did my soul mate ritual with the rocks.} But I also tend to believe the witch thing because I've had to work through some major fears that are religion-based and I don't see how they can all come ONLY from this life. My past wasn't that traumatized by Catholicism to have caused the mighty fear inside me about darkness and evil and being evil if I practiced spirituality over being a good "Christian." So putting two and two together that I was a witch in past lives AND put to death for it does make a lot of sense to me now, in the fears I've had to work through concerning my own abilities, being open to Spirit.
Back to my Atheist. So he drops this bomb on me about being an Atheist. An Atheist scientist. I was tussled for a moment because I didn't know a lot about Atheist, only that it was a lack of belief in God or anything God-like.
One who talks with angels and one who did not believe a God even existed. Hm? How was that going to work? Well I am very open about myself and how I live my life so I wrote to him and said, "Wow funny because I talk to angels." Talk about a love connection, hm? I told him I was a strong believer but I believed in a much different way than the standard Christian. So then we went back and forth with him making comments about Zeus and all these other Gods and which one was the REAL God and... a bunch of Atheist-speak. He expected to be pushing my buttons about Paganism but I am very open-minded. God is who a person feels God is. Plain and simple. If you believe God is in your maple tree, then that is God to you. So I told him so and he was like "Oh." He was surprised that I agreed I thought Noah was pretty much a bullshit story and unbelievable. And I told him I feel everyone is free to believe what he will, even if he chooses NOT to believe.
I don't think he knew exactly what to do with me or how to label me so he didn't try to. He just told me "I need to talk to you, like tonight. Do you want to talk to me later?" His exuberance was like a little shaky puppy dog; like he quivered with excitement and it was contagious. He definitely does not hide behind email or text so we planned to talk later that evening, probably like two days into emailing.
I won't ever forget the first time I heard my Beloved's voice. It matched the image I had of him perfectly. His voice is soft and kind but utlra sexy in this total scientist way, lol. He's like... an angel. His voice smiles. Does that makes sense? His voice is a smile. It is loving and kind and friendly and cute all in one, and it is soft and gentle.
And I miss it. That's why writing about him is so hard. Bringing Joron so close... can be painful. What we have expereinced together in this twin soul union has been OFF THE CHARTS unusual from a 3D persepctive, and I've forgotten the real him quite a bit, and I don't want to. The mirroring is not his fault, and this man I describe here is my real love. I miss my love. I miss his voice, his sweet soft loving kind voice. I wish I could dial his number and hear him pick up the phone with that big huge sometimes shy smile, "Hiiiii..." Knowing and sweet and happy to hear from me. He called me all the time. He loves to talk to me, and he showed me that by always calling. While we dated I rarely called him; he always called me. I never had to worry if he was going to contact me because he was always there. He never let me down. We talked or emailed or text often, morning, noon and night and everywhere in between. He started his morning by emailing his love a "Good morning beautiful" and he ended it by, no matter if we'd just talked for hours or made out like fiends on my couch all night. texting me goodnight, sleep tight and he hoped he'd dream about me.
He is my love- and these points about him, his wonderfulness? It is why the "Law of Detachment" and "letting go" and "moving on" don't work so well for me. I just don't think I can ever move on from my love. It would be a miracle and Divinely inspired for me to find someone who even came close to his amazingness, and because of my overwhelming love for him and hope for us, I cannot and am not willing, to move on. I HAVE to do this thing until I know I have finished my personal Quest, my soul journey, and I am not there yet.
Besides my son there is no man in my life I love how I love my Joron. This is why I am still here and in this, facing my fears and trying my best to plug on despite silence and uncertainty.
It is why, for once, I believe in a dream, a dream of one day having the life that Joron and I came to discuss and desire together. I am working to open my life to my destiny, a destiny with Joron as my husband sharing a life together with me, my son and our own children.
Again, I love you my twin soul. With all my heart.
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