Oh GOD I am at a coffee shop while I write this so I can't let go and totally bawl and snot all over the place but I'm sure that is going to change once I get home and continue writing.
When we first started writing and getting to know each other he told me, "This Atheist donates his time at church soup kitchens and helps out at animal shelters." He told me he didn't need to fear a "God" in order to be a good person. He just loved to love.
That is my Joron. And the above explains him perfectly. His Atheism is a major major turn on for me. His passion for what he stands for makes me want to throw him down, strip him naked and make love to every inch of his adorably taut little sexy delicious sweet body.
I am so on the verge of running and I have to keep reminding myself of this sweet man I fell in love with. I am scared of the silence because I miss Joron very much. More than those who don't understand what a twin soul union is like can imagine. It is a pain that is inexplicable. They kinda feel dead but you know they are still alive. There was no ending so it's this limbo state where I pray and try to have faith. Trusting is not always easy but I am moving forward.
I love Joron's Atheism. Seriously. I am a huge proponent of Atheism now... but it took me getting to know one and falling in love with him and experiencing all of his love and kindness before I was able to appreciate what seemed like such a big difference between us that was actually no big deal. It's ironic because now his Atheism means nothing to me except that it's something he is very passionate about so I support him. But there is no judgment. All I want is my Love back. He is not labeled anything specific in my heart besides "My Love." And I'd give close to anything to hear from him again. So insignificant a "difference" becomes when the love of your life disappears. Not much matters then besides "I love you." And isn't that how it should be to begin with? Diversity is important and so is respecting the beliefs of others, or respecting the right to not believe.
Back then though something strange happened. We started really getting to know each other. He wrote that he could not wait to kiss me, that he knew it would be so soft and wonderful and perfect, and I didn't mind him saying it. I wanted to kiss him. I was half in love with him and I hadn't even met him. But then fear began to creep in. His Atheist tussled me because I considered myself to have a close relationship with God and I wanted to keep my life on the straight and narrow. I'd already been through a LOT in order to strip me of my fears surrounding spirituality and religion... but now Atheism was being thrown in the mix too? What was I to think?
I told him I was very loving, and assured him I WOULD NOT JUDGE HIM. I told him I try to practice unconditional love. While on the phone he chuckled and sighed and told me that most women judged him for his Atheism so he found it very hard to date or connect with woman. He said he'd go on a date and when the subject of religion came up and he told them he was an Atheist they would want to bolt. And he said he actually did not click well with Atheist women either so he was... shit out of luck in most cases when meeting women. "I'm so lucky to have found you and I can't wait to meet you" is what he said.
Is what he said. My dear sweet love.
I began to backslide a bit back to this idea of God "testing" us. Testing our faithfulness. I wondered if having Joron come into my life was a test, and was I failing? Would I be turning my back on God, turning to... evil tendencies? Would I be renouncing God if I met an Atheist? These fears began eating at me and now I get to explain to you how Spirit works with me when I begin fearing. Joron and I had planned to meet the following week, and he was SO excited to meet me! I was looking forward to it too and normally I HATED going on dates. They all left me feeling flat and I was just so done dating. Until I met Joron of course. On Sunday before our date I took my son to church at our old Christian church. While there I saw a guy about my age there with his two daughters. They were little girls and he was holding their hands and singing together so passionately with them, glorifying God. I'd always asked my ex-husband to please go to church with us just to be a family but he always told me no. So seeing this man with his kids really struck me and I thought, "Nope! I am not supposed to meet an Atheist! God wants me with a nice Christian man, like this guy. Someone who can go to church with me."
I FREAKED out and let fear take over. I bolted home and in a fit of anxiety, totally awash with fear, I text Joron and told him I could NOT meet him. Now remember I'd assured him I love unconditionally and didn't mind his Atheism but in this moment of fear I wrote to him and told him that God wanted me with a Christian so I could not meet him.
And I did not hear a word back from him. I felt this really stupid sense of weenie-relief come over me like "Okay now I'm safe. The Big Bad Atheist can't introduce me to the devil now and God is happy!"
What an asshat, right?
Interesting though. Over the course of the next week I unexpectedly heard from my last soul mate. He reached out to me when I did not expect to hear from him again. We'd had a very bad last meeting together some time earlier in the summer so we had no closure. Without really meaning to or planning it I ended up seeing him again and saying goodbye, and I meant it. I needed him out of my life now, completely. But I think it was healthy for us to be able to kiss and hug one last time after knowing each other for over a year and being so close, important in each others lives. There had been a lot of love between us and our ending felt right.
A week went by and I felt... odd. Empty. Sad. Missing something. After spending a couple weeks talking with Joron non-stop NOT hearing from him was saddening to me. So one night I chanced picking up my phone and texting him. I told him I was SO sorry for being an asshole, that I just freaked out for a moment but I really didn't mean what I said- it was old conditioning coming up to bite me in the ass. And that alone is a comment about the dangers of religious conditioning. I do not agree with religion, and my reaction to him is a clear sign of how we can be taught through religion to fear that which is different than us.
He actually text me back. "Who is this?" he wrote. "I know this can't be my friend because she's not allowed to talk to Atheists."
BAM. Rose-0 Joron-1. Again I apologized and asked if he'd forgive me. He said of course he would and he said he'd been very disappointed when I bolted for two reasons. One was that I'd assured him I was different than the rest, that I was open-minded and non-judgemental and I would accept him no matter what... but then I went ahead and labeled him as "wrong" like so many others do just because he is an Atheist. *UGH* And he said he was also disappointed because he'd been really looking forward to meeting me so he was bummed when I cancelled on him.
Well the following week was my birthday and everything happens for a reason, Me saying that to him, blowing him off, showed me how shitty it feels to judge another person. It really thrust in my face that it's unfair and hypocritical to not be unconditional towards everyone. It showed me that I already missed him and I'd never even met him. I'd come to love his goodnight messages and his good morning hello- total attentive sweetheart! How I was able to push his away and take the chance of him not forgiving me is beyond me. The distance though, it also allowed me closure with my last soul mate... and I am positive I was supposed to meet Joron like I did, on my 40th birthday which was the blue moon. Diving pre-orchestrated timing I'm sure. My friends, bless their hearts, had a surprise birthday party for me {totally unexpected} and I felt SO loved. Then the following week I met Joron... and life as I knew it would never, ever be the same.
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