Before I met Joron I'd been through a few love experiences that tested my ability to feel loved. I feared love, feared that I was not loveable or memorable. Those were soul mates put into my life to begin working through my issues with feeling like someone could fall in love with me and then just forget me. On the outside I seem very well put together. I am a strong single mom, a great mother. I work full-time as an Assistant Director at a large university. I own my home and a nice car. I am pretty, take care of myself, present myself as a strong well-rounded talented friendly woman. So to the world at large it seems like I am doing okay. What they don't know is whenever I fall in love I freak the fuck out inside. I have to really fall in love for it to happen though. I didn't really experience it with my husband. That was a love that faded in its own time. I have to fall hard in what I call "soul mate" love in order for the fear to kick in, and I've felt it straight on for three years with different and subsequent soul mates who I loved SO much. With each one I battled this fear that I was "out of sight out of mind," All three soul mates were married. Their marital status had nothing to do with me fearing they didn't love me though. I knew the love with them was soul-based, and I knew they'd not be in my life forever. I faced the knowledge up front that one day I'd have to let them go... but I could not help myself from falling in love with them. and I do think this was for a purpose. To start healing me of my fear of not being loveable or memorable by making me face it head on.
I'm a cute, sweet, intelligent, interesting woman. I am unique. Not materialistic, not very vain in that I am not interested in trends or the latest styles or wearing lots of makeup, etc. I am traditional. I am told I am "beautiful" but it's a natural beauty. I don't prance around thinking I'm the shit- I really don't concentrate too much on my looks. Maybe that sounds vain, lol. I do a bit and I look fresh and youthful. But I also don't mind rolling out of the house with no makeup, hair in a pony with barely a second glance in the mirror. I'm thankful that I'm "pretty" but it is understated, if that makes any sense. I've been called "endearing." I am NOT a person who someone could walk away from easily, and this was shown to me by my soul mates. Despite my fear that I was not truly loved each one of them had a painful time falling in love with me and being unable to be with me. It was no easier on them than it was for me although at that time I spent hours, days, weeks and months losing my mind, torturing myself over whether or not I was love, them being a catalyst to plunge me into my Dark Nights of The Soul. Mind you- I never asked or expected any of them to be with me forever {they felt different in that regard than with my twin soul,} To leave their wives and choose me was not something I really thought would happen. I did wonder with the third. He was having a hard time, and still is, in his marriage and he told me maybe meeting me was the inspiration he needed, the sign, to move on. In the end though, despite me thinking for a while that I wanted him to be mine, this was not the case and it was never meant to be. It was never what I expected deep down inside. I pretty much knew we were lessons for each other, a reason or a season but not a lifetime. And I don't think the lesson was only in "letting go" of that which I loved. I think it was a lesson in letting go of the FEAR that they forgot about me the moment I was no longer in their presence. And that is a fear that hurts all the way down to the core. It is a dark deeply-seated fear that can make a women lose her mind from self-torture {and to understand my twin soul journey you gotta understand my fear of being held on to, loved.}
My second soul mate, Jason, and I kept in contact after he was gone from my life. He loved me and had a hard time leaving me. We grew very close and had he not had so many kids he would have been very tempted to change his life and be with me. Well I knew this because he told me "I wish I could find a way to be with you." He was torn. I warned him that he could not go back home and expect his wife to be like me. I am all love and she... well I think she tolerated him. For whatever reason {and there are always two sides to every story} she did not act like she loved him very much. I showed him a really huge love, nothing like he'd ever felt before. And when he left of course things slowed. He was back with his big family and he had a new job. I still have my old journal entries documenting my fears from back then. He was supposed to text me one day on his lunch but he told me the break room had no 'Net connection and I FREAKED out inside fearing he was lying to me and didn't want to say hello to me, like I was not worth maintaining a friendship with. I did not expect the romance to continue. It didn't feel right... but I wanted to be his friend. I wanted to be remembered. Then one day he explained that he dropped his phone in the lake and was trying to dry it out in rice so he could not text and he wanted to let me know so I didn't worry. But what did I do? Worried. I wrote in my journal fighting my fear. I debated with my fucking fear. I fought with it. I was afraid he was lying and was trying to distance himself from me.
A year later we were still friends, FEARS UNFOUNDED. He would reach out to me to say hello. I'd moved on to a new love and no longer felt romantic feelings for him while... and here in the kicker- I think he still longed for me. He saw a truck across from his workplace that was from the town I live in and it hit his heart hard. He told me it broke his heart and made him think of me deeply, and I was shocked to see the extent of his love for me. Then he flirted with me one night and I told him that we'd never be lovers again, never. I was done with married men forever. I'd finally broken things off with my third married soul mate and I was just D. O. N. E. done. Never again would I be even tempted to think about being with a married man. That was my past. So I explained if he ever was in my area again that I'd meet for lunch as friends but nothing more than that, and I meant it. Truly.
Then I met Joron. And it's interesting because my relationship with my first soul mate who propelled me into my first Dark Night of The Soul came to a very loving end, unspoken but Spirit-driven, that spring, spring of 2013. I had not seen him in a long time and we'd never had a good-bye. God gave us one. He was and always will be eternally special to me. But that was over. Then I ended things with my third soul mate which was a hard connection to let go of, whew. And the second soul mate was still a friend via text, not romantic or flirty at all but he was still... energetically linked with me, One day he asked how I was doing and I told him I'd met someone wonderful. I think he wrote me something like, "Of course you did. Damn it." Like he still held out hope, and it bothered me.
As Fate would have it he contacted me one day and told me he accidentally left his phone at home on day and his wife found it. She read our text messages. They were not loving and sexy or flirty or anything, just friendly, but they mentioned things we'd shared, like a visit to the museum when we were together. He was found out big time. She told him she found it and that they would talk, and then he talked with me about it. I felt so bad but I told him he could not go on forever in his marriage like he was. He was miserable and I don't think she was very happy either. The only thing he could do was tell the truth and tell her how unhappy he was, decide if they wanted to stay together or get a divorce. It was never my intention to harm any of their marriages, and I know those who would judge me would call me a home-wrecking bitch but oh well. I know my truth. He HAD to face her. But I told him it was time for us to stop communicating and he agreed, and I wished him the best. I don't know what happened with them but I honestly feel it was meant to happen so he could either fix his marriage or get out of it.
That said- all three soul mates showed me they loved me. I should not have been so fearful of being forgotten or unworthy of love. All three were lessons. I was told from above that they were "lessons in letting go" but I always knew they were not lessons in letting go of love but of fear. I learned how to love unconditionally because I clearly knew these men would never be a permanent part of my life. They were temporary; I had to love them for the sake of loving them not because I expected anything from them beyond a lasting soul connection knowing I'd see them once I died and went to the great beyond.
To help me through these connections I read "Journey of Souls" by Michael Newton. Reading about soul mates helped me realize I'd see my "friends" once I passed on. They were, without fail, soul mates. And special. And they are all gone from my life now. I think that had to happen to open the connection for Joron. I had to let go of those physical ties with all of them, and I did.
I would have been nice if I could have let go of my fear of not being worthy of a long-lasting love but THAT was something I could not let go of. I experienced it with Joron terribly once it was obvious that we were falling in love hard- that love scared the shit out of me. It left me feeling vulnerable and open to being hurt. Letting go over and over had affected me too, wondering if I'd ever meet a man who could be mine. Who would choose me, and honestly meeting a SINGLE man was terrifying because he actually had the ability to choose me... if he wanted to. Do you see the difference? A married man was "safe." I didn't have to worry about rejection because he could not choose me to begin with. It was never my expectation. When I wrote in my journal I told God I really wanted a man who was SINGLE, whole and healed and didn't come with a bunch of marital "baggage." A man who was ready for real love, who had already worked out his shit. I just didn't expect to meet him quite so suddenly! I loved all my soul mates dearly and wanted the best for them but I was ready to move on. To be myself and be open to a love that was freely available to me.
This sometimes happens with those who are meant to meet their twin souls. I firmly believe we meet strong soul mates before the twin soul experience, and these soul mates help begin the process of clearing out our shit. I was not as fearful meeting Joron as when I met my first soul mate. I could not have met Joron two years earlier; the mirroring has already been intense- two years earlier it would have killed me. I had to deal with my fear of evil. I had to begin to let go of my "Christianity" and that process had already started before I met him. I had to learn more trust in my guidance, my Higher Self. I had to learn a stronger unconditional love before meeting him, and I had to be introduced CLEARLY to my fear of being rejected, forgotten, let go of, by those who love me. Had I met Joron any earlier... it would never have lasted. I would have freaked out on him in the 3D. I would have never been able to accept it, and had I met him any sooner I would NEVER ever have been able to trust SPIRIT, my Higher Self. I would have ran for the hills once the mirroring started and never looked back. So my soul mates had to be in my life to prepare me.
Then I met Joron and it exploded like wildfire. I was not expecting him, at all, but my GOD what a refreshing change he was! I'd asked for a man who would love ME not what I could do for him, someone who my entire connection was stronger than sexual. I wanted my next man to love me for my everything not just because we had a strong physical connection. I mean I knew my soul mates loved me but I will admit it- they were affairs, and in affairs much of the time spent together is connection intimately. I wanted MORE. Yes they always said hello and kept up with me but this next time I fell in love I wanted it to be magnetic but... balanced. Someone who respected my mind too, who was willing to sit and talk with me and just be with me.
I was not prepared to meet another man and jump right in the sack, not on even the third or fifth or tenth date. I was feeling very protective of myself {emotionally and physically meaning my body and feminine bits} at this point, and something inside of me needed that down time. I guess maybe I wanted proof from a man that he was willing to wait for me. to get to know me for ME, to earn my trust, and to show me a strong pure love BEFORE expecting me to share my body with him. I wanted a close dear friend as well as a lover, like a BFF I could eventually make love with.
Well I found him in Joron, completely. I know what a twin soul is; a twin soul is an exact match, the epitome of everything we've ever asked for in another human being, and yes they are an exact mirror of who we are. That is MY truth. I am loving and kind and open-hearted. I wear my heart on my sleeve and am never afraid to express my love for another person. I am openly affectionate and kind, caring. I may fear being loveABLE but I do not fear loving another person. I am also sensual with a hint of naughty and I LOVE sex. I really do. With someone I totally love and adore and am attracted to... I want it every day. Good close lovemaking to me is like the BEST shit on earth, better than vacations or chocolate or, well, anything. If you asked me "What is your favorite past time" I'd say, "Good lovemaking!" It's how I am wired and I am not afraid to admit it. I am a walking ball of love. I love hard and this means physical love too- but it MUST be shared with a soul connection who cares for me. It has to mean something, something large and loving, for it to be enjoyable for me. That is a very important distinction when it comes to me and "S. E. X." It has to be truly "making love" for it to be right and healthy for me. Anything less leaves me wounded inside, and I'd expereinced this wounding prior to meeting Joron; this is why I'd set the boundary for myself that I'd only be intimate with a man going forward if there was "getting to know each other" time, and if the sex was not based only on attraction, and I'd have to know he loved me and I love him. He had to care about my well-being and respect me.
Sex with no caring or respect or LOVE, to me, feels quite sickening, and I'd let that hurt me when I went through my Dark Nights. None of my soul mates fell into this category at all but I'd met a few others who did, one in particular where in a very dark moment I had nothing more than a hurtful fling. And when he wanted another booty call I told him no, that the first one had been a bad decision on my part and behaving in that way was not normally who I am. He called me a fucking cock tease and kept bothering me and, yeah, it was not a good feeling. I was just SO ready to put all that in my past and go back to the woman I'd been before where intimacy=love.
Joron was about as healing as healing could be. He was EVERYTHING I asked for a needed to show me that this type of love exists, and I deserved it. He blew into my life and shook me up. He was different than any man I'd ever met before, and he totally challenged how I viewed myself and the world. He loved {and loves} me with a patience and grace that can come only from an angel. I called him my "Atheist angel" for this reason- he seemed angelic to me in all of his loving wonderful perfection. Being with him, his patience and total care for my well-being, was exactly what I needed. Unfortunately for me, due to my past issues, I had a hard time accepting or believing in this amazing, strong, pure love, and I didn't realize he was my twin soul. Not at all. I didn't realize he would show me all of my fears so I could face them. He didn't know that either. He only knew he met this awesome chick. One his age who looked and seemed much younger than our 40 years. One who understood him and appreciated his differences too. One he wanted to date and spend time with and share life with. One he found himself falling hard in love with very quickly. Neither one of us knew although the connection was INSANELY strong and I knew... I knew we had the mind reading and telepathy going on. I knew he was somehow psychic due to the things he'd say to me, reading my mind. I knew he was beyond perfect, and all that wonder and amazement overwhelmed me, scared me, and made me wonder when the other shoe might drop. "When will this one leave me?" was what I wrote in my journal. My fears ran deep despite my love being strong.
I am still battling some fear yet my love runs deeper than my fear hence why I am writing this blog in an attempt to do what I can to continue to heal myself and defend the love we have together, to trust him and show our souls that I am willing to beat my fear in order to be reunited. I will not give in to fear like I've done in the past. I won't give up on our dream of being together no matter how scary this journey can be at times.
I love you with all of my heart my twin soul.
No comments:
Post a Comment